Self love vs self sabotage

I have obsessed over my weight for my entire 35 yrs of life. However, I’ve never been overweight. But to part of my brain, I have. It’s like being stuck between what’s real and what’s not and it gets so tangled that you don’t even know what is real.

When I was 5 years old in kindergarten I remember feeling fat sitting in circle time. At 10, I remember having the flu and I felt skinny after not eating for a few days and it made me happy. I do not think that I look like my pictures. Part of me really thinks the camera shrinks me and that I’m actually bigger in person.

Twisted thinking to say the least? I know.

Today, I can actually look in the mirror and be happy with the image 4.5 months post partum after my 3rd son.

How!? Nothing has ever helped. Ive gone to outpatient treatment, counselling, support groups, nothing worked. Its been weighing on my mind whether or not I share this part of my journey with the world. I wanted to, but I wanted to wait until I could actually say that I consider myself in recovery. And I’m happy to say I am. I have not participated in any bad habits that come with eating disorders since before I found out I was pregnant. And my son is 4.5 months old as I type this. I have not gone this long since I was 18 yrs old.

I’m at the point now where I actually know that if I start again I wont be able to stop. It’s no different than alcohol to me. One sip and its all over. My eating disorder is the exact same. Why has it taken me 17 yrs to figure it out ?

All I did different this time was pray. I asked god to help me be kinder to myself. I asked for his help. For some reason that’s the one thing I never tried. I feel like a bit of a moron but why didnt I try and pray before? It works for my sobriety, I turn my will over to my higher power on a daily basis. So I’ve basically been using my tools I’ve learned to stay sober, and applied them to my eating disorder. LIGHT BULB!

So while I was pregnant this last time, i was paranoid about weight gain but I had to be healthy for the growing baby inside me. So I prayed. One day after another I prayed and ate healthy. (Ofcourse I have treats, but 90% healthy.)

I reminded myself that my growing body was temporary and that it was worth it. I changed every negative thought into a positive one. Something else I’ve learned in my sobriety journey.

Post partum, the extra weight has dropped easily. I not only kept my baby healthy but I kept myself healthy, in body and mind.

Something so simple like praying and applying tools that I already use to stay sober, to help my eating disorder? Why must I complicate the shit out of the simplest things?

Trust me I still have days that I am unhappy with the image i see. My body is not perfect and neither is my mind. I can still pick my body apart. Inch my inch and I’d start at my nose. But the longer I remain healthy, the longer my brain is fed! And today my brain is healthy and I’m able to switch my thinking to love instead of sabotage.

I think God wanted me to get sober first in order to deal with this issue.

It may have taken me 17 yrs but it’s ok to be a slow learner …. ♡

I’ll remember

The day will come in every parents lives where it hits you, like a ton of bricks, right into the chest.

Your child(ren) are not innocent anymore.

They have turned into young men or women who make mistakes as we do. Life has begun and they have began their journey with more independence. They dont need you as much anymore. You’re no longer their best friend and the one they want to hang out with. There are no cuddles anymore or nighttime stories.

This is where I’m at as a parent to my twin sons. They’re 12.5 and about to begin 7th grade. They’re taller than me, their voices sound like they’re 19, they have hairy legs and need to shave their moustache. They rather spend time with their friends and at their dads house. I swear last month they were playing Lego and asking to cuddle during movie night.

I guess I didn’t think about the time that goes by so quick. As i sit here and realize that my boys are only just beginning to be independent, it makes me so sad. Time goes by way too fast, and you dont realize how fast until you’re a parent to a teenager.

I drank until they were 7 years old. I functioned very well for many years. However the guilt settles in from time to time especially when I remember them as babies. My infant son looks at me like I am the greatest person on the planet. To him, I am. We all looked at our mothers that way. I feel that I did not enjoy the early years as much as I had wanted to or had expected to. I was 23 with twins, unhappy with my relationship, I had undiagnosed anxiety and depression, post partum depression and I was a functioning alcoholic.  So to say that I was overwhelmed is an understatement. The pictures from those days have real smiles. They were my entire world. I always had them outside for walks, playing at the park, watching their favorite movies and even playing music and dancing. But my mental health had me very impatient and overwhelmed at times. I wish I had stopped and smelled the dandelions when they used to pick them for me, a little longer. I wish I had let them play at the park a little longer instead of wanting to go home and open the wine. I wish I had known that it was okay to ask for help. I wish I had not been so strict when I could have been more lenient. I wish I wasn’t so crabby in the mornings because of my hangover. I could say I wish, a million more times but it wont turn back time.

Somehow the years, the days and hours go by and they’re young people. They’ll hurt your feelings. They’ll make you cry in your room and you’ll try to be as silent as you can. They’ll go somewhere overnight and not want to come home. They’ll be mad at you for saying no and setting boundaries. They will get caught in a lie, and try to cover that up.

All I can do is stay sober, and continue to be their parent first, a friend later. I’ll pray for them as I always do, and I’ll remind myself that they do love me. I’ll remind myself about the times they have spoken at my yearly cakes, and cried during their speeches. When I got married a year ago, they cried when I came down the aisle. When their baby brother was born 4 months ago they thanked me for the best thing that’s happened to our family. I’ll remember.

I’ll remember because it’s the good times that make everything worth while. Every family, every couple, every relationship goes through times of hurt, sadness and even anger. Remember why you love eachother, remember that you always will, and it will work out.

Remember that little moments matter the most. The dandelions they once picked turn into necklaces and charms at Christmas. Remember the rules they get mad at following have kept them safe. The manners you teach them have made them polite and respectful. You may not get cuddles but you’ll get a sweaty hug. The hand drawn pictures turn into text messages and emojis.

I’ll Remember.

 

 

Irrelevant Perception

If its not my own truth, its not relevant to who I am.

 

Why do we let what others think of us determine how we feel about ourselves? At what point in our lives do we actually allow others perceptions of us validate who we are?

I can tell you that i have cared since the beginning of my existence – or when my memory begins around 4 years old. However my childhood was filled with verbal & physical abuse in which my mother and sister got the brunt of it. I received it as well but I was the youngest who spent most of the time watching in the corner. I was full of fear, anxiety, self doubt, poor self esteem and depression. Everything in the house had to be perfect. Our rooms had to be spotless without a crayon on the floor, even our toy box had to be organized! Everything I did revolved around whether or not he would be happy or angry with me. This type of mentality was embedded in my brain from a very very early age. Its all I knew. So of course, well after my mom had left him, this stuck with my personality. I was a people pleaser.

Everything I did, said and wore, I thought about what other people would think first, before I had even decided for myself. IT DROVE ME INSANE. But still, I couldnt stop!

This pattern has followed me throughout my life. I have focused on pleasing others before myself. In friendships & relationships.

It is extremely tiring and overwhelming and the only thing that would calm me down was a drink. When i sobered up, I was stuck with these thoughts. My anxiety was at an all time high and  I was drowning in my own thoughts.

It hasn’t been easy over the last 4.5 years but Ive done a lot of work on myself. Ive had to face my feelings, my character defects and Ive had to work on them! The biggest lesson that I have learned is the fact that i cannot control or change other people. The more i worry about what others think or about what they do, the less time I am spending on bettering myself. And, If Im not my best self then I can easily go back to the negative, depressed active alcoholic that I was for a decade. Ive spent the better part of my entire life worrying about other people instead of myself. I allowed other opinions to dictate how I view myself. I believed hurtful words, I allowed myself to be treated like garbage. I allowed every bad experience to continue to hurt me. WHY??? What good does that do? Absolutely nothing! Its INSANITY! Pure insanity! I can only control MYSELF and how I react to people. MIND BLOWN!

Why this has taken me 34 years to figure out? The only reason I can think of is that I had to go through all of this experience to realize who I really am, who I want in my life, and my self worth. Also, to be quite frank, Im just too sick and tired to care anymore. Im worn out worrying about haters who think their perception of me is correct.

The thing is, if people base their opinion on me prior to 2014, they really dont know the real me anyways! That person was broken and slowly slipping away. So why care what they think if I know & God knows who I really am!

There are people who dont like me today. There are people I thought were my friends who have slowly cut me out. There have been times that I have been verbally attacked. I was judged for dating my now husband, Jon, because of the amount of sobriety he had back then. Did all of this bother me? Yes. However I have wasted way too many years worrying about every single person and every single opinion i just CANT DO IT ANYMORE. I pray about it. I ask God to help me forgive and let it go. This does not happen overnight, but eventually I dont even think about it anymore!

Bottom line? If its not my own truth, its not relevant to who I am. My life is MINE, not anyone else. No one owns me. I am not a puppet on a string, I am not a servant and I have self love and self worth today. I dont want to look back on my life realizing that I was living for other people instead of living for me.

I cant let it go

Let it go, let it be

but its not easy for me.

My thoughts spin and spin

so i reach for the gin,

and away my thoughts go,

for now, I know.

I can see through its deception

this addiction, I mean,

But im stranded in my obsession.

I wish there was hope,

but this is all I know,

everyday I struggle, I just cant cope.

Let it go, let it be

but i cant, as you can see.

 

 

 

That Woman…

aviary-image-1535733869376I want to be that woman who rocks those shorts without a care in the world about her cellulite.

I want to be that woman who looks at her stretch marks and smiles, not cries.

I want to be that woman who looks at other women and admires their beauty instead of critizes  them.

I want to be that woman who lets her kids play in dirt for a memory of smiles, instead of no memories at all.

I want to be that woman who disregards what social media believes to be beautiful and instead looks at herself with confidence. I want her to eat to live and not live to eat feelings. I want her to accept the body she was given, and focus on feeding her mind, body and soul, instead of feeding into society’s distorted look on beauty.

I want to be that little girl again, the one who had hopes and dreams. The one who believed in miracles, rainbows and sunshine. For even just a moment, I want to be her.

I want to apologize for letting her down. I want to hold her and not let her go. I want to be who that little girl always wanted to be.

I want to tell her to go after what she wants and stop at nothing. To never believe a hateful word directed her way. I want her to know that she is worth happiness, love, kindness and truth. I want her to know that rising above the pain is true victory.

I want her to know that no amount of alcohol will ever take away her pain, it will only add to it. I want to tell her that this doesnt make her a bad person. Its just the way things are. She is an alcoholic, she will suffer with mental health and thats okay. It doesnt define her, its just a part of who she is. I want her to know that she has the power to help others instead of using her life challenges as a crutch to hold back.

I want to be that woman who my mother knew I could be. Who my grandmother saw in me. Who God made me to be.

I want to be me.

A day in the life of PMDD.

Living with anxiety can be debilitating. Add PMDD to the mix and it gets real fun! This is a day in my shoes…

I spend 2 hours trying to get the energy to leave the house to run the errands that need to be done before my trip. My lack of energy has nothing to do with lack of sleep, its due to the fact that my brain has been going 100km/hr for about a week. Normally I am a good multitasker, but when my anxiety is really high focusing on more than one thing at a time is impossible and usually ends up in me snapping at whoever is around me. Ofcourse, guilt is my middle name so I apologize over and over and over again….and then one more time later in the day just incase the other 10 apologies werent heard. I know that I should go see a friend and talk, perhaps get my mind of things. However I  quickly list all the reasons why my friends are probably mad at me and dont even want to see me anyways. So isolation wins.

I get my errands met and I come home exhausted. Im now frustrated that I cant gather up enough energy to last all day. Im only 34 and Im usually pretty busy and thrive on it. You would think I would be kinder to myself during these weeks. Perfectionist by nature, so progress not perfection is easily forgotten.

I then spend 4 hours preparing for a 5 day trip. 3 of those hours are spent rummaging through my closet to find clothes that I had forgotten about to see if they fit and would look nice. I lay every outfit that I can find out on my bed. I obsess over every single article of clothing. The new rompers, they are not yoga pants and a loose tank top that I usually wear. Will I look okay? Can you see my cellulite on my thighs? This conversation literally goes on for hours inside my own head. Like an angel and a devil arguing. You look fine, no you dont, you look amazing, your legs look huge. So fortunatley the confident side of myself wins and I pack the clothes. It then takes me another hour to sort through what makeup to bring, toiletries, skincare, charger, passport etc. I go through the list for 30 minutes repeating everything over and over again until I am about to scream with frustration. I now have a headache. I have to be up in 4 hours to get ready and leave for the airport. I lay in bed, but now its too hot. Im thirsty so now I need water. Where is my puppy? Ill have to go find him. I better charge my cell phone its only at 90%! Did i say goodbye to the boys okay? I wonder if they feel sad that im leaving? Will Jon be overwhelmed without me here? Okay, what outfit will I wear on what day, for what occasion? What time is it now? Fuck I have 3 hours. My anxiety sucks! Fuck it, ill pull an all nighter. I should write about it…..

 

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
  (Redirected from PMDD)

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe and disabling form of premenstrual syndrome affecting 3–8% of menstruating women.[1] The disorder consists of a “cluster of affective, behavioral and somatic symptoms” that recur monthly during the luteal phaseof the menstrual cycle.[1] PMDD was added to the list of depressive disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 2013.