2000 days sober!!!!!!

2000 days without a drop of alcohol or anything mind altering!
Get honest with yourself and others! You can do it, question is, do you want it? Do you think you’re worthy of sobriety? I find that it came down to the fact that I didnt feel worthy of my families forgiveness and I didnt believe I was worth happines and happiness sure as hell didn’t come with sobriety. So I thought………….

I started out as a “normal social drinker”. I even went to college and started working. However, the progression slowly increased. I drank for any reason. The good, the bad, the ugly. I ended up drinking alone, lieing to everyone about how bad it was. Pretending to be sober sometimes. Called into work “sick”. I ended up drinking before work in the morning to stop the shakes. Inside I knew. I knew it was a problem. I knew I was an alcoholic. I didn’t want to drink anymore but I couldn’t stop. I physically depended upon it. I was so disappointed in myself. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I didnt want to drink but I was scared to live sober. That’s a terrifying place to be in.
I was faced with losing my kids, so that was my last day drinking. My sobriety date is July 24 2014.
I have learned how to FEEL again. The good, the bad and the ugly. It’s not always fun, but it’s better than messing up my entire life and those around me! I have found ME again. A better version!!!!

I have learned FORGIVENESS. Which is a true miracle in itself considering I spent 30 yrs resenting people. I have found PEACE. Even through the chaos of life. I dont have 1 single reason to drink. It will solve nothing. Because 1 drink is never enough. I know that now, I accept it, I admit it. I am no longer ashamed! My journey has made me who I am today. I wouldn’t have done this much work on myself if I wasnt a recovering alcoholic!!! I’m proud and I wish happiness and health for everyone. No matter what you’ve done, where you’ve been, or where you are now, you are worth happines!!!!!!!!!

The impossible is possible

When I was little I hated rain, now I love the beauty in the sound of if.
I once had a hard time being alone, but now I crave it for my own self care.
I used to drink my sorrows away, now I allow myself to feel them.
I would start my day off with a hangover now I start it with gratitude.
I once asked God why bad things happened to me, now I thank him for the lessons.
For a time I seeked approval from everyone, and now I could care less.
For years I stayed stuck in fear, but today I slowly break down those barriers.
I used to think i was worthless and today I believe I have a lot to offer.
For a long time I believed I was doomed for a sad life, and then I realized I had the power to change it.
I seeked happiness from all different people, places & things, but now I seek it within myself.
For someone who felt unlovable, God gave me children to show me unconditional love.

A shift in my spiritual growth has completely changed my life. I removed a poisonous substance that resulted in the obsession and physical allergy to be lifted.

For someone who knew no peace, now has serenity

Think before you Judge

Don’t assume their happiness is fake because you are in reality faking your own

If I’m judged (which I totally am) or unfriended on social media (happens a lot) for doing Younique, or sharing my happiness then i will pray for those people. As much as it bugs me, i must remember that I also was the type of person who was annoyed by happy, confident people. They pissed me off. It wasn’t until I got healthy mentally & spiritually that I realized that it’s way easier and better to lift other women up then to judge them.
Let’s be clear. My life isn’t perfect. I just don’t air my dirty laundry on social media. I share my family, my sobriety in hopes to help others, my animals and my business that helps so many women feel good about themselves inside and out. It provides for my family. I’m Christmas shopping this week because I made money working online.
So I guess God is showing me what I had once done to others. Judged them by their happiness, by their selfies and by their jobs. When in fact the real problem is within themselves just like it was inside me.

I used to make fun of women who worked the streets and now I have great friends who used to be those women. I have compassion for them today. I see them as women, individuals and not for what they used to be.

I used to judge alcoholics who drank everyday and smelled of booze. Who scrambled change to buy a can of beer. And I became an alcoholic myself. I became who I once judged.

I used to judge those who rushed into relationships and then I did it myself.

I could never understand how mothers or fathers could let themselves get to a point where they lose their children. Then it almost happened to me. It woke me up real quick! Now I understand. Addiction takes over. It doesn’t make us bad parents it made us sick parents.

I’m grateful God shows me these lessons because without them i would not learn.

Don’t judge others. Don’t assume you know their life. Don’t assume their happiness is fake because you are in reality faking your own. I speak these words because I’m speaking from experience. I’m no longer that person I have explained here today. When I come across people who hurt my feelings, I ponder over it way too long. Eventually I pray about it & slowly let it go.

We cannot expect the world to treat us how we want to be treated. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. All we can do is control how we react.

React with kindness not judgement. You never know when you will go through the same thing.

Don’t paint someone as weird or someone who you would never be friends with. God may cross your paths at some point and they may become your best friend or someone who comes into your life for a reason.

Don’t complain when it’s too hot and complain when it’s too cold. Don’t stress over not having money and then stress about paying bills when you do have money to pay them. Don’t complain about the cashier who wasn’t friendly. She may be working 3 jobs to feed her kids and she is exhausted. Don’t judge a parent who’s child is screaming, you have no idea if that child has disabilities that are not visible.

My rant is based on the fact that this world is taught to judge.

Why should we judge anyone when we aren’t perfect.

Perfection does not exist so why do we seek it.

God can judge me. And I’m completely comfortable with that today.

Sober 1600 days December 10th 2018

 

Yes, Alcohol was more important

Truth is, when we alcoholics are in active alcoholism nothing is more important. Alcohol comes first before the water we drink and food we eat to stay alive. 

 

Alcohol was more important than you.

There, someone finally said it. To those who have family members with alcohol or drug problems, you may find yourself wondering why the drink or drug is more important. Your family member might tell you thats not the case, or whatever excuse they tell you. But if they arent telling you that it is actually is more important, than they are lieing to you.

Truth is, when we alcoholics are in active alcoholism nothing is more important. Alcohol comes first before the water we drink and food we eat to stay alive.

There are many types of alcoholics so I am going to refer to the hard core, daily drinkers (as I was one myself). My alcoholism progressed slowly over the course of 10 years, eventually progressing at a rapid pace during the last year. To be honest, whether it was during the years i was a functional alcoholic or the last year where I was nearly losing everything, alcohol was always first.

I couldnt go into any social situation without drinking first. There was not one evening after work that I could come home and make a cup of tea instead of pouring a glass of wine. (however I may have poured wine into a coffee cup so it would look like I was drinking tea in pictures for social media LOL) A glass of wine was a must when I had an overwhelming day with my twin toddlers. It relaxed me and that was my reasoning to drinking around my sons. In my mind, it made me a better mother. Family functions, I was the one to try and hype everyone up to drink because what else would we do to have fun, right! I made excuses to leave functions early so I could go home and really drink the amount that I wanted to. Eventually, alcohol was the thing I had to have first when I woke up. My body actually needed it to stop shaking. I figured one cooler in the morning would be okay. The thing is, the alcohol was in my veins so the obsession to drink more was high. That one cooler led to left over wine from the night before, followed by a bottle. I was lucky if I didnt pass out by dinner. I was a hermit. I rarely went out unless I had to because I couldnt let anyone know how bad it had gotten for me. I had reached the point where I didnt want to drink anymore, but I had to.

This, my friends, is alcoholism. The inability to stop after consuming any amount of alcohol. We are physically addicted; our bodies crave more and more, and we are mentally obsessed; our minds are consumed with the thought of drinking. We are PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY UNABLE TO STOP ON OUR OWN.

Normal people can take a drink and stop. We cannot.

This is why im afraid to say that yes, it is more important than you.

To my family who I once put on the back burner, I am so deeply sorry. My daily amends is staying sober and being the best mother, daughter, friend, wife that I can be.

To those who have friends or family members still in active addiction, please dont give up hope. If they could stop on their own, they wouldnt be in the position they are in. They dont want to be this way. None of us grew up with the goal of being addicts as our dream job. Please remember that they are sick, and it is possible for them to become themselves again. They must want it badly and want it for themselves.

Sobriety is possible!

Spiritual Malady vs Spiritually Fit

These are the main prayers that I have in my life today, being over 4 years sober. Many people whether alcoholic, drug addict, or addiction of any kind, can learn from them (in my opinion) In simple form of course, showing you the difference between how I thought during my spiritual malady and being spiritually fit today.

  • Instead of complaining, be grateful for the blessings you have.
  • When you are angry, pray for acceptance for the things you cannot change.
  • Instead of projecting anger to those you love, pray for the willingness to deal with your feelings in a positive way.
  • If you feel lost, sad and confused, pray for direction.
  • Instead of taking that drink, pray for the obsession to be removed. Play the tape and remind yourself what would happen if you took it.
  • When you are having a hard time forgiving those who hurt you, pray for their well being. Even if you don’t mean it right away. Trust me, it works.
  • If you want to run away, pray for the strength to deal with whatever road block you’re facing.
  • When you know you lack direction in life, pray for the right path.
  • And my favorite, Instead of blaming everything & everyone else, pray for the ability to focus on yourself only, as its the only thing in life that you can control.

A Life Not Wasted

Without his mistakes teaching me about my own path, I wouldnt have accepted the other part of who I am.

Many people believe that one who lives a broken, sad or troubled life without changing their ways before death, is a life wasted. I used to believe this as well, but now I am unsure.

Take my dad for example. He spent over 40 years drinking hard. He lost a wife, another good woman, his children. He spent the last 20 years living alone and the last 6 years with heart problems. One would say he wasted his life.

But did he?

I wouldnt have learned to be compassionate towards others with disabilities if I didnt have a father who was deaf. I wouldnt have learned that staring at others is rude. I wouldnt have learned that it shouldnt matter if someone can hear or not, see or not see, have all their limbs or not, hair or no hair. I wouldnt have learned that the heart is what matters the most.

After 10 years of drinking hard myself, I wouldnt have realized that my sons would be  gone one day too, and I would have been in my dads position, alone. I used that awakening moment to finally make the decison to stop the cycle of alcholism in the family. I wouldnt have sobered up 30 years before my dad.

Without sobering up I wouldnt have learned to forgive him. I never would have looked at him as a spiritually sick person instead of an evil person like I had for 20 years. My anger never would have lifted and I wouldnt have peace in my heart. When he passed away, I wouldnt have helped plan his celebration of life. I wouldnt be going through his belongings and taking care of what needed to be done. I wouldnt be sitting here missing him and I sure as hell wouldnt have spoken at his celebration of life.

His journey through life helped me realize that I dont want to go through the same. I dont want to lose my children or my spouse. I dont want to be someone who I am not because of this disease. The fact is, I am his daughter and I always will be. Half of who I am is who he was. His journey helped me realize that I want more than he had. His mistakes taught me forgiveness which brought me serenity. Without this experience I wouldnt be reminiscing about the good times or feeling proud to be just like him. From his creativity to his work ethic, all the way to the curly hair and blue eyes. Without his mistakes teaching me about my own path, I wouldnt have accepted the other part of who I am.

He taught me a lot regardless of his inability to be the father he should have been.

Im Proud to be you Daughter, Dad.

My last name has always been a constant reminder of the father I never got to know. Every time a teacher pronounced it wrong, or I had to sign my long name, I thought of you. For 34 years Ive had your last name, but I havent had you.

Through all the years of being angry at you, deep down I hoped you would come around and want to be my father. Anger is only a reaction to feelings. My anger was a cry for you. It was calling for your acceptance, for a hug, for an “I love you”.

All I knew was your temper, drinking and ability to disappear. For a child, there is no understanding that this had nothing to do with me. I internalized it and I felt unwanted & unworthy.

Yet, God works in mysterious ways because I had forgiven you before you passed away. When I got sober and completed the 12 steps I learned about forgiveness. My anger towards you was removed. The hate was gone. In fact, I realized I was a lot like you and if my family could still love me despite my alcoholism, then I could love you despite yours.

Being an alcoholic when every generation of our family was one also, isnt our fault. However our actions and choices that cause pain to others, is our fault. I am grateful today that I learned that there is a healthy way of dealing with my feelings, and I have saved my children the hurt that you caused me. I broke the family cycle. I sobered up 30 years younger than you.

As i learned about your passing, I immediately feel a tremendous guilt for not accepting your request to meet up 6 months ago. Planning your celebration of life, and beginning the process of going through your belongings has brought up a lot of mixed feelings. To be honest, seeing my baby picture in your living room surprised me. You did care. You did love me.

Day to day you obsess my mind. Im sad. Im sad because I will never get the chance to get to know the goofy side of you that my mom and your best friend tell me about. I will never get a lesson on how to build something from wood, or introduce you to your grandsons. I cannot change anything so I must accept it. What I can do is remember the good things that I do know about you.

You were a carpenter and could make anything from wood. You could take anything apart and put it back together again. You loved to tell jokes and to laugh. You absolutely loved dogs and would do anything to protect family and children. You had beautiful curly hair and blue eyes (thats where i get it from!), you worked hard your entire life despite being an alcoholic you always went to work. You grew up deaf in a time where deafness was made fun of and not accepted like it is today but hey, you snagged a beautiful hearing girl…my mom. You sold your house to be able to go to Africa and travel to Greece.

What ive learned from your passing is that you had a lot more positive characteristics than negative ones. Ive learned that I am proud to have you as my father, and I am proud to have had your last name for 34 years. So as I change my last name, I will not do it out of spite & I will forever be proud of my heritage, my Ukrainian family, and your daughter.