Other moms drink wine…….

Not every day is amazing. Sometimes you’re human and you want to say FUCK IT to the world and go hide. But you dont. You keep your big girl panties on and take it hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute.

Some moms eat cookie dough or ice cream when they’re sad, some people have a cigarette. Some moms have wine (I preferred white….red….rose…hell anything if I’m honest here)

The thing is, that “a” before the word “drink” is not possible for someone like me. “A” drink assumes that person has one drink. However, one drink for an alcoholic is way too many.

What does that mean? If I have one single sip that physical allergy is activated and so is my mental obsession. It happens that quick. One sip turns into the entire glass, and that glass turns into the bottle. Eventually, that bottle becomes empty and then the obsession turns into panic to find more.

Cycle repeats.

So on days that I want to hide, ofcourse that thought of a quick fix enters my mind. However at 5 years sober, it leaves as fast as it came.

I have a choice today. To drink or to stay sober. I’m the type of alcoholic that to drink means to die. So I choose to stay sober.

I have other ways I have learned to calm down and balance my emotions. They just dont work as fast as a drink would. But with more sobriety I have learned patience and to trust the process. I have faith today and I know just because I have a bad day, doesn’t mean that i have a bad life.

I write (hence what you’re reading!) I work (yes I actually enjoy what I do) I look at pictures of my family from happier days, I pray, I clean (gotta love the angry cleaning), I talk and vent to a trusted female friend, I talk to my sponsor, I go to a meeting and listen for a message and I share if I’m asked.

I have been through way more pain, stress and sadness before so I can get through a bad day sober. And someone, somewhere is going through something way worse, and they’re staying sober. So I can do it too.

Today, I have no reason to drink. After one sip I’ll feel regretful and therefore that would turn into a second sip to try and cover up that regret, but it actually turns into self pity which ends up being depression.

Cycle repeats.

You understand?

Its insanity. Literally.

If anything, I’m grateful to be where I’m at today. I never would have done all the work on myself if I wasnt an alcoholic. I mean, who the hell grows up wishing to be an alcoholic and end up sober while looking at their own defects of character and learning to change their behaviors? Yeah because that sounds like a blast. NOT!

But today I’m grateful because I am a better me, because of the storm that I went through.

 

 

Self love vs self sabotage

I have obsessed over my weight for my entire 35 yrs of life. However, I’ve never been overweight. But to part of my brain, I have. It’s like being stuck between what’s real and what’s not and it gets so tangled that you don’t even know what is real.

When I was 5 years old in kindergarten I remember feeling fat sitting in circle time. At 10, I remember having the flu and I felt skinny after not eating for a few days and it made me happy. I do not think that I look like my pictures. Part of me really thinks the camera shrinks me and that I’m actually bigger in person.

Twisted thinking to say the least? I know.

Today, I can actually look in the mirror and be happy with the image 4.5 months post partum after my 3rd son.

How!? Nothing has ever helped. Ive gone to outpatient treatment, counselling, support groups, nothing worked. Its been weighing on my mind whether or not I share this part of my journey with the world. I wanted to, but I wanted to wait until I could actually say that I consider myself in recovery. And I’m happy to say I am. I have not participated in any bad habits that come with eating disorders since before I found out I was pregnant. And my son is 4.5 months old as I type this. I have not gone this long since I was 18 yrs old.

I’m at the point now where I actually know that if I start again I wont be able to stop. It’s no different than alcohol to me. One sip and its all over. My eating disorder is the exact same. Why has it taken me 17 yrs to figure it out ?

All I did different this time was pray. I asked god to help me be kinder to myself. I asked for his help. For some reason that’s the one thing I never tried. I feel like a bit of a moron but why didnt I try and pray before? It works for my sobriety, I turn my will over to my higher power on a daily basis. So I’ve basically been using my tools I’ve learned to stay sober, and applied them to my eating disorder. LIGHT BULB!

So while I was pregnant this last time, i was paranoid about weight gain but I had to be healthy for the growing baby inside me. So I prayed. One day after another I prayed and ate healthy. (Ofcourse I have treats, but 90% healthy.)

I reminded myself that my growing body was temporary and that it was worth it. I changed every negative thought into a positive one. Something else I’ve learned in my sobriety journey.

Post partum, the extra weight has dropped easily. I not only kept my baby healthy but I kept myself healthy, in body and mind.

Something so simple like praying and applying tools that I already use to stay sober, to help my eating disorder? Why must I complicate the shit out of the simplest things?

Trust me I still have days that I am unhappy with the image i see. My body is not perfect and neither is my mind. I can still pick my body apart. Inch my inch and I’d start at my nose. But the longer I remain healthy, the longer my brain is fed! And today my brain is healthy and I’m able to switch my thinking to love instead of sabotage.

I think God wanted me to get sober first in order to deal with this issue.

It may have taken me 17 yrs but it’s ok to be a slow learner …. ♡

I’ll remember

The day will come in every parents lives where it hits you, like a ton of bricks, right into the chest.

Your child(ren) are not innocent anymore.

They have turned into young men or women who make mistakes as we do. Life has begun and they have began their journey with more independence. They dont need you as much anymore. You’re no longer their best friend and the one they want to hang out with. There are no cuddles anymore or nighttime stories.

This is where I’m at as a parent to my twin sons. They’re 12.5 and about to begin 7th grade. They’re taller than me, their voices sound like they’re 19, they have hairy legs and need to shave their moustache. They rather spend time with their friends and at their dads house. I swear last month they were playing Lego and asking to cuddle during movie night.

I guess I didn’t think about the time that goes by so quick. As i sit here and realize that my boys are only just beginning to be independent, it makes me so sad. Time goes by way too fast, and you dont realize how fast until you’re a parent to a teenager.

I drank until they were 7 years old. I functioned very well for many years. However the guilt settles in from time to time especially when I remember them as babies. My infant son looks at me like I am the greatest person on the planet. To him, I am. We all looked at our mothers that way. I feel that I did not enjoy the early years as much as I had wanted to or had expected to. I was 23 with twins, unhappy with my relationship, I had undiagnosed anxiety and depression, post partum depression and I was a functioning alcoholic.  So to say that I was overwhelmed is an understatement. The pictures from those days have real smiles. They were my entire world. I always had them outside for walks, playing at the park, watching their favorite movies and even playing music and dancing. But my mental health had me very impatient and overwhelmed at times. I wish I had stopped and smelled the dandelions when they used to pick them for me, a little longer. I wish I had let them play at the park a little longer instead of wanting to go home and open the wine. I wish I had known that it was okay to ask for help. I wish I had not been so strict when I could have been more lenient. I wish I wasn’t so crabby in the mornings because of my hangover. I could say I wish, a million more times but it wont turn back time.

Somehow the years, the days and hours go by and they’re young people. They’ll hurt your feelings. They’ll make you cry in your room and you’ll try to be as silent as you can. They’ll go somewhere overnight and not want to come home. They’ll be mad at you for saying no and setting boundaries. They will get caught in a lie, and try to cover that up.

All I can do is stay sober, and continue to be their parent first, a friend later. I’ll pray for them as I always do, and I’ll remind myself that they do love me. I’ll remind myself about the times they have spoken at my yearly cakes, and cried during their speeches. When I got married a year ago, they cried when I came down the aisle. When their baby brother was born 4 months ago they thanked me for the best thing that’s happened to our family. I’ll remember.

I’ll remember because it’s the good times that make everything worth while. Every family, every couple, every relationship goes through times of hurt, sadness and even anger. Remember why you love eachother, remember that you always will, and it will work out.

Remember that little moments matter the most. The dandelions they once picked turn into necklaces and charms at Christmas. Remember the rules they get mad at following have kept them safe. The manners you teach them have made them polite and respectful. You may not get cuddles but you’ll get a sweaty hug. The hand drawn pictures turn into text messages and emojis.

I’ll Remember.