Yes, Alcohol was more important

Truth is, when we alcoholics are in active alcoholism nothing is more important. Alcohol comes first before the water we drink and food we eat to stay alive. 

 

Alcohol was more important than you.

There, someone finally said it. To those who have family members with alcohol or drug problems, you may find yourself wondering why the drink or drug is more important. Your family member might tell you thats not the case, or whatever excuse they tell you. But if they arent telling you that it is actually is more important, than they are lieing to you.

Truth is, when we alcoholics are in active alcoholism nothing is more important. Alcohol comes first before the water we drink and food we eat to stay alive.

There are many types of alcoholics so I am going to refer to the hard core, daily drinkers (as I was one myself). My alcoholism progressed slowly over the course of 10 years, eventually progressing at a rapid pace during the last year. To be honest, whether it was during the years i was a functional alcoholic or the last year where I was nearly losing everything, alcohol was always first.

I couldnt go into any social situation without drinking first. There was not one evening after work that I could come home and make a cup of tea instead of pouring a glass of wine. (however I may have poured wine into a coffee cup so it would look like I was drinking tea in pictures for social media LOL) A glass of wine was a must when I had an overwhelming day with my twin toddlers. It relaxed me and that was my reasoning to drinking around my sons. In my mind, it made me a better mother. Family functions, I was the one to try and hype everyone up to drink because what else would we do to have fun, right! I made excuses to leave functions early so I could go home and really drink the amount that I wanted to. Eventually, alcohol was the thing I had to have first when I woke up. My body actually needed it to stop shaking. I figured one cooler in the morning would be okay. The thing is, the alcohol was in my veins so the obsession to drink more was high. That one cooler led to left over wine from the night before, followed by a bottle. I was lucky if I didnt pass out by dinner. I was a hermit. I rarely went out unless I had to because I couldnt let anyone know how bad it had gotten for me. I had reached the point where I didnt want to drink anymore, but I had to.

This, my friends, is alcoholism. The inability to stop after consuming any amount of alcohol. We are physically addicted; our bodies crave more and more, and we are mentally obsessed; our minds are consumed with the thought of drinking. We are PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY UNABLE TO STOP ON OUR OWN.

Normal people can take a drink and stop. We cannot.

This is why im afraid to say that yes, it is more important than you.

To my family who I once put on the back burner, I am so deeply sorry. My daily amends is staying sober and being the best mother, daughter, friend, wife that I can be.

To those who have friends or family members still in active addiction, please dont give up hope. If they could stop on their own, they wouldnt be in the position they are in. They dont want to be this way. None of us grew up with the goal of being addicts as our dream job. Please remember that they are sick, and it is possible for them to become themselves again. They must want it badly and want it for themselves.

Sobriety is possible!

Spiritual Malady vs Spiritually Fit

These are the main prayers that I have in my life today, being over 4 years sober. Many people whether alcoholic, drug addict, or addiction of any kind, can learn from them (in my opinion) In simple form of course, showing you the difference between how I thought during my spiritual malady and being spiritually fit today.

  • Instead of complaining, be grateful for the blessings you have.
  • When you are angry, pray for acceptance for the things you cannot change.
  • Instead of projecting anger to those you love, pray for the willingness to deal with your feelings in a positive way.
  • If you feel lost, sad and confused, pray for direction.
  • Instead of taking that drink, pray for the obsession to be removed. Play the tape and remind yourself what would happen if you took it.
  • When you are having a hard time forgiving those who hurt you, pray for their well being. Even if you don’t mean it right away. Trust me, it works.
  • If you want to run away, pray for the strength to deal with whatever road block you’re facing.
  • When you know you lack direction in life, pray for the right path.
  • And my favorite, Instead of blaming everything & everyone else, pray for the ability to focus on yourself only, as its the only thing in life that you can control.

To Single Parents, From an Ex Single Parent

I am confident that all of us parents can agree that being a mother and father is the hardest yet most rewarding job there is on the planet. Regardless if you are a single parent or not! I believe being a parent is a privilege, a gift and a lifetime commitment. It doesn’t end when our children turn 18. Take it from me, I am 34 years old and my Dad still insists on asking me if I had my oil changed yet.

However only someone who is, or has been a single parent understands the extra pressure and emotional load it has on oneself. I know because I was a single mother for 8 years to my twin sons.

I am a firm believer that parents should not stay together strictly for the children. With that being said, if they have tried everything there is under the sun to resolve their differences & the love is gone, then I believe its better for everyone if they live seperately but hopefully can continue to parent together. This is my opinion only because I grew up in a loveless relationship. You know what it taught me? To settle. To stick and stay regardless of my feelings. Bottom line, children see, hear and internalize everything! I don’t believe they can learn about a healthy relationship while watching two parents live like roommates, or worse, fight constantly. Trust me, I am speaking from experience.

I felt like a failure when I became a single mother. I was 25 years old with 2 year old twins. What the hell happened to my life? It would take me 5 more years after that to realize my part in it. I rushed in too quick, i ignored my instincts and I settled. But there is not one day that I regretted any of that because I truly believe with every fiber of my being that I was meant to be my sons mother.

Being a single parent is beyond hard. There is not one word that can describe it. There is no partner there to reassure you that you are doing a good job. No one there to take over and let you sleep an extra hour when you’ve been up all night with sick children. The finances are all on you, and let me tell you that can be a hard one to learn if you aren’t careful. Going to the park and seeing moms and dads together can be really hard and depressing, at least it was for me. Dating takes a back seat and can be quite difficult to find someone who understands your lifestyle. Bedtime is 9pm, not 2am. You watch more kid shows than you like to admit, your house is never as clean as you want it to be, and your kids receive your attention before anyone else. You’re the only one who has to take a sick day and lose pay if your child cant go to school. You try your very hardest to be mom and dad, but second question yourself and wonder if you are even doing a good job. Christmas morning can be shared with the other parent, so some years you wake up alone. New Years eve can be fun if you spend it with other friends and their children, or unfortunately you might end up on the couch watching Dateline at 10pm when the kids crash.

However as I look back on my experience, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. God wouldn’t have handed me something that I couldn’t handle. I learned that I could parent on my own and I was doing a good job all by myself. I learned that I was stronger than I had ever gave myself credit for. I learned to fix things around the house, kill the spiders, manage finances, chase bad dreams away, wipe tears & clean up vomit all by myself. I learned not to settle for just any person who comes along. I embraced my early bedtime, after all sleeping is healthier than partying! I realized my house will never be as clean as I could like it to be and that’s okay because it means that its lived in. So what if I lose money for taking a sick day, it meant extra cuddles with my sons. I learned how to reach out to friends and family and ask for help instead of drowning in overwhelming fear. I created a bond with my sons so special that nothing, or no one can ever break it. They will be grown men one day, looking back on all the years that it was just the 3 of us. The funny puppet shows that I put on for them, the cuddles on the couch to movies &  the daily walks to the park looking for bugs. All of it was me for 8 years. We are closer than words can describe.

In my eyes, being a single mother was better than the alternative. It was worth all the tears and emotions. The glimpse into my future if I hadn’t left was grim, unhappy and isolating. My sons would have been affected because I wouldn’t have been the best version of myself.

I made mistakes, and I still do. There are no perfect parents in this world and if they claim to be, they probably have the most to hide! Alcohol was my solution for many years. I used it to cope with my feelings. Whenever I felt overwhelmed, lonely, happy, irritated, discontent. Unfortunately my sons started to see that I had a problem. I’m extremely blessed and thankful that my family gave me an ultimatum and I sobered up when my sons were 7 years old, in 2014.

So you see, single parenting is hard, but it can be done, and it can be done happily and successfully. Do not settle for just any person who comes along. Your happiness, health and well being comes first or you cannot be the best parent that you can be. When you make mistakes, learn from them and move on. Forgive yourself. Take time for yourself because you deserve it. When you announce that you are a single parent, keep your head held high. You are not a failure, you are a warrior!

When that special person comes along and you become a family, your heart will just know that its right. However, just because there will be another parent in the house it doesn’t mean life will be perfect. You’ll have arguments, parenting struggles and days where you want to hide in the closet. Shit happens! Its called LIFE. But I promise you, you will be so very thankful for all those years you did it alone. It makes you that much more grateful to have a partner in your life to help you and you created ever lasting memories that your children will take with them for the rest of their lives.

That my dear, is worth it all.

My Prayers used to be Selfish

My prayers used to be selfish. They used to entail plea bargains and begging when I had no intention of actually following through with my part of the deal. Yet, I spent years wondering why my prayers were never answered. I assumed God didn’t care and my life was doomed. I had accepted my depressed, alcoholic ways and figured that was just the way it was going to be. I was meant for nothing else. My childhood dream of helping others was just a silly daydream that dwindled and the happiness I longed for in a relationship was that of my imagination.

That was then.

After I surrendered and handed my will over to my higher power (I choose to call him God) over 4 years ago, I have experienced the promises laid out in the big book of alcoholics anonymous. But they don’t come right away or when I want them to. I have learned that prayer takes patience. You must be patient in order to hear the answers you’re looking for. You see, God speaks through others, through situations and even through yourself. Be still, be genuine, do not pray for material items or try to make a deal if he answers your prayer. God is there. He was always there and always cared for me. I just didn’t realize it. I didn’t understand how to hand my will over to him. I didn’t understand that my prayers would be answered if I truly had faith in him. The answers may not come right away and this tests my patience! But when the time is right, and if I allow myself to be open to hearing, seeing or feeling the answer to my prayers, they come. Every single time.

I no longer pray for money, instead I ask for help and guidance through financially tough times.

I no longer pray to get me out of a tough situation, instead I pray that he helps me through.

I no longer pray that someone who hurt me, hurts too. Instead I pray for help to forgive them, and I pray for them to find their way to God.

I pray every single morning that I wake up sober.

Be patient. Be open. Be willing.