It’s times like these…

c8234dfe4ebc18b0929c8a379d4a6571Maybe it’s I, not them, who’s crazy. Maybe it’s all in my head, a twisting mess of irrational thoughts and fear. Maybe it’s I, who deserved the heartbreak. Maybe it’s the world actually having pity on me instead. Maybe I deserved the friends who left, who unfriended and became just memories. Maybe my anxiety was too much for them. For everyone.

Maybe I, am the crazy one who battles between loving herself & thinking im worthless. Maybe I’m not as well as I thought.

Yes, i put on a brave smile, I’m good at that. Fake to some, strong to me. Business has to continue, kids need to be raised and bills need to be paid. My demons wait for me, when I am alone. Or after a fight with a loved one and I question my entire sanity. It waits for the darkest times to remind me that I’m crazy. That it’s all my fault and everyone knows it but me. It tells me I’m a mess and it’s no wonder I’m in tears.

Self pity or low self esteem, selfishness or is it a result from being told these things when i was a child. You decide, i dont really care.

When I have no voice, I’m told to speak up. When I speak up, I’m told I’m too loud. Some days there is no balance. And I’m drowning.

Maybe it’s I, who needs this blog more than you. Because it’s either this, or a drink.

My Journey to Mr. Right

As I sit here just days before I get married, I think of the woman I was before I met Jon. I was naive and easily taken for granted. All I wanted was someone to love me, but i accepted behavior that didnt match someone who was in love. Why? I didnt believe I deserved better. Actually, I didnt even believe I could find better.

I had settled. I held on to what I had hoped would be, instead of accepting what really was. Its amazing how blind we are when we love someone. We tend to be blind to reality because the fantasy appears to be easier.

I accepted behavior that was unacceptable to most, but the truth of the matter was that it was my normal. I grew up watching my mother cry and listening to her get screamed at. Every part of her life was controlled and criticized. Despite the fact that I hated him, I grew up and ended up dating men who portrayed the same characteristics. I was completely oblivious. Control meant love, sex meant commitment and disrespect was normal.

It wasnt until I was 2.5 years sober when I had my heart broken once again, for the last time. It was inevitable and deep down I knew that. I spent two weeks upset, and all of a sudden I woke up one day and thanked god for removing him from my life. I realized that for the past year I had prayed to God to help me; either help this relationship work out, or remove him from my life so I can find the man I am supposed to be with. Well, there was my answer. It wasnt meant to be, so why cry over it.

I was completely done with putting more effort into a relationship than I was getting back. I was finally at a place in my life where I liked who I was. My sister helped me realize that I had been holding on to the wrong types of men because I didnt believe I deserved a happy relationship. That was hard to admit. My mind was blown! I deserve to be myself, to be happy, to be heard, valued, cared for, and loved. I deserved respect, loyalty and acceptance. For once in my life, i was happy to be single.

Thats when Jon came around. A message on facebook popped up, I thought, “oh lord who is this creep.” I looked at his profile before responding. He was definatley good looking! We also had over 30 friends in common so at least he isnt some complete random joe. He was in recovery as well. Something in common! However he was only 2 weeks sober at the time he messaged me. Jon asked me for coffee and I declined. I told him to hold off on women and focus on his recovery. Most men give up and disappear after being rejected. Jon didnt go away. He stayed my friend. We would text back and forth every other day some weeks. We talked about everything. He was respectful, kind and sweet. If only he was further along in his recovery i thought. I saw him at an AA function and my heart fluttered. Damn, hes good looking and he has a great personality. I felt chemistry. What do i do, i thought. I knew he liked me this entire time, but at this point he was only 5 months sober. I was nearly 3 years! I prayed. I asked God for help. I talked to Jon about this the next day. He talked to his sponsor, I talked to mine. For the first time in my life I really paid attention to my instincts. It is God speaking! I had no bad feelings about starting a relationship with Jon. I was nervous yes, but something that I couldnt explain told me to move forward. We agreed that we would do things different this time around. We had both been through heartache and we both didnt want things to turn sour. We took our time and began hanging out more. He was such a gentleman he didnt even try to cuddle with me until I made the move. On our first date he brought me a rose. He asked to meet my sons for nearly a month before I finally agreed. They instantly became friends and I knew right then. This man is it. There is something gentle about his soul, his heart.

3 months later he surprised me with an engagement ring at the beach. I was completely shocked. So shocked infact I kept swearing, “no fucking way!” Classy, I know. One year later and we are days away from saying, “I do.” We are not perfect. Quite frankly we fully admit that we argue and have had our moments where we were not so kind to eachother. Its been a year full of changes, hurdles, and stress with life circumstances. One thing I know with every fiber of my being is that we will be okay. We will forgive, we will grow and we will love. We are equal in every part of our relationship.

I truly believe things happen for a reason. I am now grateful for every failed relationship I have ever had because they helped prepare me for the real thing. If my heart wasnt broken I wouldnt have been free to find Jon. He is my best friend first and foremost. Best friends argue, they fight, they cry and hurt. But they also forgive, laugh and love.  He is my partner in life. There is no doubt in my mind that I am meant to be with him.

So, as I graduate from a single woman to a married woman, my advice is this:

Know your worth and know that you deserve happiness. Whats meant to be will soon follow.

Goodbye to the Father I Never Had

For the first 5 years of my life, you didnt exist. I remember the day I found out that you were my father. Its a faded memory now, but I remember being so confused as you gave me that white polar bear stuffed animal. I remember wondering why you talked funny and used your hands to communicate. For a 5 year old all I understood was that a dad was supposed to be around, so why werent you?

For the next 8 years attempting a relationship with you was difficult. You were in and out, and usually came around to take us out for dinner or we stayed the weekend. I was always nervous around you because I knew you drank too much & I was nervous around all men because of the abuse I had lived with for 10 years. I hid behind my sister and had her do most of the signing for me. I remember that you did try to make us happy. You took us to mcdonalds, got us a guinea pig and took us to parks. However to be honest, I also remember you driving drunk, grabbing your girlfriends arms and hurting her (yes I saw you) not helping my mom financially, blaming my mom for everything and going MIA a lot. I also remember not hearing you ever say that you loved me. You couldnt even spell my name right.

 

From age 13 to 34 I didnt hear a word from you. You fell off the face of the earth leaving my sister and I always wondering what we did that was so wrong. Why were we not important enough? You left us feeling like we werent good enough. We both seeked for attention in many ways. Alcohol, drugs, boys, partying. Our step father stepped up to the plate in your place. He took us as his own daughters and loved us from the beginning. Bless his heart. However the damage you created was already flooding inside us. I hated you. I didnt care about you. I was angry and resentful. All I was waiting for was the phone call that told me you died.

When i completed my first set of steps through AA 4 years ago, I forgave you. For the first time in my life, I was able to let my anger, resentment and sadness go. It surprised me like nothing else. I realized that you made horrible choices and that was not my fault. Nothing I did deserved what you did. But what was my fault was carrying it around on my shoulders for so many years. I am an alcoholic like you. So, it suddenly occured to me, you were a very sick person all those years. You did not know the solution to your problems any more than I had known mine during my drinking years. I found out that you were bullied as a child because you were deaf. You were abused. You had pain yourself that you never knew how to deal with. What if you were not an alcoholic? Things would have been different? I realized that if I could be forgiven for my past, you are worthy of forgiveness as well. I began to see you as a spiritually sick person instead of an evil person.

The past 6 months you have tried to contact us. I received a message online from someone telling me you are trying to find us. My first thought was, we live in the same city! My second thought? Is he sober? You were. For 10 years. Why on earth would you not try and search for us sooner? I almost wished I had been told that you were still a drinker. That hurt more knowing you were finally sober after all these years yet you did not try to find your daughters until now. I have spent the past 6 months praying about this. Should I go see you? Will it help me get closure? Will i get an apology? My sister decided to face her fears and she skyped with you from her home town. She got an apology and closure. I continued to pray and wonder what I should do.

Unfortunately I will not get the chance to give you the opportunity to apologize to me. Yesterday, two police officers came to my house. Since you had no spouse, I am the closest relative in town so I had to bare the news first that you were found passed away in your bed from natural causes due to your heart. I always knew this day would come but i never knew how I would react. My first thought; I blew my chance to see you. I will not be able to tell you that i have already forgiven you. I will not be able to tell you that I am a proud alcoholic who has been sober for 4 years and I am breaking the family cycle. I no longer have the chance to tell you that I understand the pain of addiction like you. I will not be able to introduce you to your twin grandsons who are like you. I will not be able to see you sign the words, I love you, to me.

I am sorry that I didnt give you the chance to see me. I am sorry you passed away alone. I am sorry that I wished bad things for you. All I can say is that I went from hating you, to understanding you because I am an alcoholic as well. Being an alcoholic, taught me to forgive you.

God works in myserious ways. What tore us apart in the beginning, brought forgiveness in the end.

I forgive you, and I will see you again to have our reunion.

That Woman…

aviary-image-1535733869376I want to be that woman who rocks those shorts without a care in the world about her cellulite.

I want to be that woman who looks at her stretch marks and smiles, not cries.

I want to be that woman who looks at other women and admires their beauty instead of critizes  them.

I want to be that woman who lets her kids play in dirt for a memory of smiles, instead of no memories at all.

I want to be that woman who disregards what social media believes to be beautiful and instead looks at herself with confidence. I want her to eat to live and not live to eat feelings. I want her to accept the body she was given, and focus on feeding her mind, body and soul, instead of feeding into society’s distorted look on beauty.

I want to be that little girl again, the one who had hopes and dreams. The one who believed in miracles, rainbows and sunshine. For even just a moment, I want to be her.

I want to apologize for letting her down. I want to hold her and not let her go. I want to be who that little girl always wanted to be.

I want to tell her to go after what she wants and stop at nothing. To never believe a hateful word directed her way. I want her to know that she is worth happiness, love, kindness and truth. I want her to know that rising above the pain is true victory.

I want her to know that no amount of alcohol will ever take away her pain, it will only add to it. I want to tell her that this doesnt make her a bad person. Its just the way things are. She is an alcoholic, she will suffer with mental health and thats okay. It doesnt define her, its just a part of who she is. I want her to know that she has the power to help others instead of using her life challenges as a crutch to hold back.

I want to be that woman who my mother knew I could be. Who my grandmother saw in me. Who God made me to be.

I want to be me.

A day in the life of PMDD.

Living with anxiety can be debilitating. Add PMDD to the mix and it gets real fun! This is a day in my shoes…

I spend 2 hours trying to get the energy to leave the house to run the errands that need to be done before my trip. My lack of energy has nothing to do with lack of sleep, its due to the fact that my brain has been going 100km/hr for about a week. Normally I am a good multitasker, but when my anxiety is really high focusing on more than one thing at a time is impossible and usually ends up in me snapping at whoever is around me. Ofcourse, guilt is my middle name so I apologize over and over and over again….and then one more time later in the day just incase the other 10 apologies werent heard. I know that I should go see a friend and talk, perhaps get my mind of things. However I  quickly list all the reasons why my friends are probably mad at me and dont even want to see me anyways. So isolation wins.

I get my errands met and I come home exhausted. Im now frustrated that I cant gather up enough energy to last all day. Im only 34 and Im usually pretty busy and thrive on it. You would think I would be kinder to myself during these weeks. Perfectionist by nature, so progress not perfection is easily forgotten.

I then spend 4 hours preparing for a 5 day trip. 3 of those hours are spent rummaging through my closet to find clothes that I had forgotten about to see if they fit and would look nice. I lay every outfit that I can find out on my bed. I obsess over every single article of clothing. The new rompers, they are not yoga pants and a loose tank top that I usually wear. Will I look okay? Can you see my cellulite on my thighs? This conversation literally goes on for hours inside my own head. Like an angel and a devil arguing. You look fine, no you dont, you look amazing, your legs look huge. So fortunatley the confident side of myself wins and I pack the clothes. It then takes me another hour to sort through what makeup to bring, toiletries, skincare, charger, passport etc. I go through the list for 30 minutes repeating everything over and over again until I am about to scream with frustration. I now have a headache. I have to be up in 4 hours to get ready and leave for the airport. I lay in bed, but now its too hot. Im thirsty so now I need water. Where is my puppy? Ill have to go find him. I better charge my cell phone its only at 90%! Did i say goodbye to the boys okay? I wonder if they feel sad that im leaving? Will Jon be overwhelmed without me here? Okay, what outfit will I wear on what day, for what occasion? What time is it now? Fuck I have 3 hours. My anxiety sucks! Fuck it, ill pull an all nighter. I should write about it…..

 

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
  (Redirected from PMDD)

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe and disabling form of premenstrual syndrome affecting 3–8% of menstruating women.[1] The disorder consists of a “cluster of affective, behavioral and somatic symptoms” that recur monthly during the luteal phaseof the menstrual cycle.[1] PMDD was added to the list of depressive disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 2013.