4 years ago I was completely broken. I had no idea who I was anymore and I was sad that I had lost myself. I didn’t believe I could be happy without alcohol. And then it hit me…i wasn’t even happy with it! Thank God that my parents caught me that day and realized how sick I was. Thank God they gave me an ultimatum and I chose the right path. Putting myself back together has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. But, it’s been the greatest gift because I’ve been able to re create who I want to be. I’ve been able to re train my thought process which allows me to be a better woman, mother, daughter, Christian and soon to be wife. I have found happiness and it’s began within myself. It’s not from a bottle, a price tag, a relationship, or anyone else. It’s inside me. It was always there but it was buried. I had 30 years of abusive, trauma, low self esteem, abandonment and anxiety issues that I had never delt with. My way of coping wasn’t working anymore. I cannot have 1 sip of alcohol or my body and mind craves more. My spiritual health becomes tainted and I unravel. Today I accept that I’m an alcoholic and today I am proud. Without my struggles I wouldn’t be who I am today and I wouldn’t be in the position to help others.
From a million stars up in the sky
and hundreds of miles apart,
From a galaxy full of dreams
and a million broken hearts.
From a sea of searching souls
and many abandoned loves,
From never ending tears
and no answers from above.
Somehow, some way
I was led to you,
Somehow, some way
we both just knew.
As my wedding fast approaches, I find myself reminiscing about the past. My past relationships, friendships, jobs, mistakes and roads I chose not to take. I’m dreaming very vividly at night, my mind racing all the time. So being me, I try to analyze what I am feeling.
Ever since I was a little girl, I would dream about being married. I would daydream about what my husband looked like, what our children would look like and where we would live. At night, I would stand in my dark bedroom listening to my parents scream and yell, and stare out the window up to the sky. I prayed to God to keep my future husband safe. This sounds so incredibly corny! But, I guess i’m guilty of being a sap!
I then went through many years where I didn’t believe that I would get married. I truly felt like I wasnt worthy of a man choosing me for life. I had my heart broken so many times and when that happens it can start to make one feel like its all their fault. So i settled for longer than I should have. I had the belief that if I could change someone, or if I could change myself into the woman they wanted, I would find lasting love. I learned the hard way that no one can change someone. They either want to change or they dont, and you have to either accept it, or move on. I also learned that I am worth happiness, love and faithfulness. I deserve someone to love me as I am. Thats when I realized, why do I feel like someone wouldnt choose me, when its just as important for me to choose them! Two people choose eachother!
Marriage to me, has never been about the glitz & glam. Ive never wanted a big puffy princess dress or a carriage to ride. Ive never wanted marriage because its “the thing to do”. I have always believed in the traditional meaning of marriage, till death do you part, through good times and bad, through sickness and health. Its finding that one person who wants to live life beside you no matter what. Your best friend who will love you no matter how harsh your morning breath is or how smelly your farts are. That one person who will laugh with you, cry with you, support you, and forgive your mistakes. Your life partner who will never want to leave you despite lifes challenges that will arise. Sickness & health can be mental as well, are you prepared to stick it through the worst of the worst? Through those days you want to punch them in the throat? (please dont, this is a metaphor lol) Will you still want to hug them at the end of the day and forgive eachother? Its easy to walk away from people instead of dealing with issues. But nothing amazing comes easy. Its about finding that one person who will equally work on the relationship each and every day as you do. You will put eachother as priorities, not options.
Falling in love is easy, but will you both make the choice to stay in love every day you wake up?
I can honestly say thank you to each and every man who has ever cheated, lied and broken my heart. You helped me realize what I deserve. Thank you to every woman who broke my fiances heart, because you gave him away for me to find. Thank you God for answering my prayers and keeping Jon safe all of these years. Thank you for our sobriety because without it we never would have met and have the life we have today.
During our recent trip to the cabin, we were all asked “What age would you want to go back to?” Everyone said 10, 11 or 18. I felt stupid and corny, but I said I would stay at the age I am now. When I was born to about 10 years old I lived in an abusive home. No thanks. From the age of 10 – 18 I was full of confusion and fear, made the wrong friends and lost some good ones, got my heart broken and my biological father stopped coming around for good. No thank you. From 19 – 30 I was a full blown functional alcoholic, got my heart broken many times, became a single mom at 25 years old (having my twins was the only positive during these years) more depression, confusion, fear and insanity eventually came over me. HELL NO.
For the past 4 years I am happy, content, and I am consistently growing. I no longer fear myself! Isnt that what I was afraid of all along? I was afraid of what others thought of me, I was afraid to love, to grow, to feel….I was afraid of me! I was my own worst enemy. Nothing anyone else said or did to me was as bad as what I thought or did to myself. When i got sober nearly 4 years ago it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The 39 hours of physical pain with giving birth to my twins was not as bad as that! Picking yourself up off the floor and putting yourself back together again is by far the most painful, emotional experience you may have. But im writing this because I want you to know that its possible. YOUR HAPPINESS IS POSSIBLE. What we do not experience and what we do not understand can appear foreign and impossible. I thought pain, sadness and despair was my destiny. Listen, we all have different stories, and some may be far worse than what I have experienced. However, if you have felt the feelings I have felt, than we relate to one another. Could it then be possible that you could be happy like me too? Not everyday is wonderful. I still have my character flaws, hormones and stress of life. What I dont have is self guilt, shame and regret from drinking my problems away. I actually love who I am today and happiness is possible for you too!
Nearly 4 years sober and I still have a hard time letting go. You see, I am a huge people pleaser. I’m pretty sure it’s a result of my abusive childhood. Every day for the first 10 years of my life I was either listening to screaming, being hit or feeling afraid. My world was inside an egg shell. I did everything that I could to prevent him from being angry. I spoke when asked, I made sure all my chores were done, I kept quiet and I never talked back. I didn’t know this was not normal until I started going for playdates at friends houses. I never wanted to come home. I began to envy my friends families and asked for extra time at my nanas house whenever I went there.
My people pleasing curse (as I call it) has followed me into adulthood. It’s been attached at my hip throughout every relationship and friendship. It’s absolutely exhausting.
My mind is a revolving door. It never shuts completely and it keeps recycling the same old shit every time. Are they upset with me? What did I do wrong? They must be talking bad about me now. They are judging me. Their opinions have changed! How can I get them to be happy again? Why don’t they like me? Am I not fun? OMG fuck I drive myself INSANE! I have even avoided crucial decisions and suffered the consequences just to keep the other person happy and to avoid conflict. This is a major character defect of mine!
No matter how many times i work the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, this comes up on my inventory. I’d like to say I am getting better but I am no where near in the clear.
It’s a battle within my own head. One side says who cares if they don’t like you, as long as my side of the street is clean, that’s all that matters. Or, if I do upset someone, apologize and let it go. If my spouse seems agitated, I shouldn’t automatically think it’s about me. But the default side of my brain obsesses over fixing the situation. The problem is, I am trying to control way too many situations that I cannot control. It’s not my job to make someone happy. I cannot make someone like me. It’s none of my business what someone thinks of me and it’s not up to me to make someone forgive me after I apologize.
I must let go and let God. Give it to him to deal with because I am exhausted. At times I need to remind myself of that.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I was programmed to please others before myself, so practicing letting go is a classic example of “progress not perfection”.
Perfection does not exist. So please God take my fear of pleasing everyone away. It’s too heavy to carry anymore and I need your help.