Me, My Own Best Friend

After my recent blog post yesterday, I had a few women message me and thank me for writing it. It blew me away because I had kept this blog a secret for years. I have just recently started to share. I was scared of people seeing the other side of me. For my home business, keeping positive is key to success. At the same time I do not want to be known as that woman who seems perfect aka fake.

I dont strive for perfection anymore. It does not exist. I realized the other day that if I open up more and share my stories, other women would be able to relate and I could possibly help them. Vulnerability is scary but over the last couple of years I have been pushing myself through my fears. If i am afraid of it, I will do it. I grow the most when I am uncomfortable.

But what if I am judged or laughed at? But what if im not?

What others think about me is none of my business. Okay, to be honest thats a hard one for me but I am getting better at it! The older and wiser i become the less i do care what others think about me.

I was recently told that someone said “perfect Amanda, the one who can do no wrong” behind my back. I had 2 reactions. My first reaction was laughter because God knows (and if you read the rest of my entries!) that i am FAR….like, REALLY FAR from being perfect. My second reaction was sadness. I feel sad for her. Why? Because she feels that low about herself that she actually dislikes me because I come off as perfect. I know this is true because I used to be this kind of woman. I would look at the prettiest, happiest woman and say mean things about her. I didnt even know them. I was secretly deflecting my insecurities on to someone else. I am not this person anymore. My goal is to help other women feel worthy of happiness and to understand that they can do anything they set their mind to. No one is perfect, we have all made mistakes and thats okay!

When i stopped worrying about other people and started working on myself, that is when my eyes really opened. My own happiness comes from myself and no one else. I have to be my own best friend. Its fair to say that I was a horrible friend to myself for many years.

Why on earth do we treat everyone else around us better than we do ourselves? As a result, those around us dont get the best version of us! We must change our thinking and see eachother as equals.

Do not compete with anyone except the person who is looking back at you in the mirror.

Trust me, when you love yourself, you will attract others who will love you too.

All She Wanted

All she wanted was the effort that she gave. The love she showed and the loyalty she promised. Unfortunately it would take 33 years to find it. Before the disaster of the dating world began, she was molded into an insecure, self conscious little girl who was quiet unless she was around her sister and mother. Fear ran through her veins as it would for many years to come. The only time she felt safe was with her Nana & Grandpa. After the death of her Nana when she was just 9 years old, all her sense of security died as well. There was no more escaping to Nana’s to get away from the screaming & hitting. She endured the violence, most of which went against her mother and sister. But we have two ears for a reason. She heard everything. Every hurtful word. The words were worse than the spoon breaking on her behind.

Dating began in mid teens and she clung to any attention she could get. Desperate & lonely she seeked love. Unfortunatley she was not given a good example of relationships and this resulted in her dating men who resembed the abusive man she called “Dad” growing up. She was never physically abused by men she dated, however she was controlled, manipulated, verbally and emotionally abused. It seemed that every man she dated took turns with a type of abuse. If she could just change a man, he would treat her the way she hoped for and if she could become who they wanted her to be, IF….being the repetitive word. The cycle of the “bad boy” remained a bad habit for many years.

The fact of the mater was that she didnt believe she was worth better. How could she believe she was? Her biological father abandoned her before birth, she was abused until the age of 10 and watched her mother be degraded. Her step father became her dad and he was an angel sent to her family from then on, however the damage was already done by the age of 11. She had absolutely no self worth.

She had become a broken, sad and sick alcoholic. It took 18 years of relationships before she finally snapped. One last heartbreak and she realized that she needed to do things different if she ever wanted to find lasting love. By this time she was 2 years sober and had been doing a lot of work on herself. She was sober, a great mother, in full time school and thriving. And the man she was with backed off slowly. He was with her in her hard times, but when she began to grow as a woman, and shine bright in her accomplishments he was no where to be found. What did this teach her? That the man she was meant to be with would want to be with her in good times and in bad. He would accept her for who she was and never want her to change. He would love all of her, and be an equal partner in life who put her as a priority and not an option.

She found this man when she was 33 years old. They remained friends for 5 months before dating. This was something she had never done. Despite her fear of heartbreak again, she listened to her instinct. Her instinct that she believed was God speaking to her. She had no bad feeling towards him. There was no thought in the back of her mind telling her that it wasnt right. Her fear was simply a reaction to being treated with respect. It was new and she had no idea how to deal with it. So, she prayed. She prayed and asked God to remove her fear and have her accept this new love.

He asked her to marry her 3 months later.

She is now grateful for every heartbreak she endured. They were lessons in life that prepared her for the real thing. Its funny how God works in mysterious ways.

All she wanted, is now all she has in front of her.

I am a Survivor!

For 30 years I believed that I wasn’t worthy of happiness or love. That is absolute honesty, not a pity party. From the deepest part of my heart, thats what I believed. I also had accepted the fact that I was doomed to be sad for the rest of my life. I thought it was my makeup and that it couldn’t be changed. So why would I stop drinking if it was the only thing that made me feel better?

From the first sip that I ever had at 15 years old, It made me feel at ease. The racing thoughts inside my head seized. The low confidence got a boost and my smile became real. I drank for happiness, acceptance, self esteem, courage and to erase any bad thoughts.

Eventually it didn’t work anymore. I drank because I was afraid to go through withdrawals at night. I had to drink or I would start to shake, twitch and I would be awake all night with rapid anxiety. In the back of my mind I knew I had a problem. However, I still didn’t believe I could stop and even if I could figure out how to stop, I still thought I would be unhappy and miserable for the rest of my life.

The last day of my drinking career was when my parents caught me drinking a mickey of vodka in the afternoon. That was when they realized just how bad it was and how much I had been hiding. The gig was up. There was absoltuley no more manipulating or lieing that they would believe. I had no defense left, I sat there quiet. My dad cried, and my mom sat there looking like she was going to kill me, but she looked heartbroken. They told me that they couldn’t trust me around my sons anymore and that they were taking them from me until I could prove myself. That was my bottom. I chose that night to never pick up a drink again. I never thought my parents would do that, and there i faced losing my children forever if I didn’t get help. That evening as I started to sober up, the headache started, the shakes started and for a brief moment I thought about going to get a small bottle to ease the withdrawals. But, i stood looking at my sons empty beds. For the first time I actually thought about the future. They were 7 years old at that time and I stood there imagining them at 17. They wouldn’t be there. They would be too embarrassed to bring friends home and would not want to be there. So, i suffered through that night of withdrawals. I had the shakes, I was sweating, and I was also hearing and seeing things as I tried to sleep. It was the worst night of my life. But I stayed sober. The next day I told my Dr everything so he would have it all on record and I would be held accountable. I began going to AA every single day. Before I went to my evening meeting I would go kiss my boys goodnight at my parents house. Every day my mom could see the physical signs that I was sobering up. She said my eyes looked clear. Although, my head wasn’t. I was going back and forth between feeling like the worst mother, daughter and human being on the planet, and realizing that I was just broken and that I could get better. Hearing the stories in the rooms of AA helped so much more than I ever imagined. There were others like me!? Women?! I had literally believed that no other woman was as bad as I was. I sat quiet for along time, but my ears were open. I related to these people and I finally felt like I belonged. I went to 100 meetings in 90 days.

Today I am 1421 days sober. I will have 4 years sobriety on July 24 2018. Its been a long journey and I now can honestly say that I do deserve happiness and love. I had found myself again. I am not perfect and that is okay with me today. I have forgiven myself because I was a broken and sick woman who needed help. I didn’t know this life was possible back then, so I did what I knew best and that was drink. I now understand that alcohol was my solution to my problems. One sip and my body physically becomes addicted, my mind becomes obsessed and I cannot stop. I am aware that if I dont maintain my mental health that I can once again become spiritually sick and that is the first sign of relapse before picking up.

I have a wonderful life today. I went from believing with every fiber of my being that I was not worth love, and now I can tell you that I do deserve everything that I want. I can achieve anything I put my mind to and I am a great mother, daughter and soon to be wife! I have found true love in sobriety with a man who is also sober. My sons are thriving and happy, I have gone back to school and I have my own cosmetics & skincare company that I do from home!. I help chair a women’s meeting, and I have a women’s support group on Facebook. I went from a completely broken individual to someone who has CREATED HER OWN HAPPINESS. I am no longer a victim of my childhood abuse and I am no longer a slave to addiction. I AM A SURVIVOR.

You can be too!