God first

While scrolling aimlessly on Facebook I came upon a post that said, “What’s the point in marriage?” It’s a guilty pleasure of mine to read comments by strangers just to get some free entertainment. But this one had me interested for personal reasons. One comment stuck out. A woman replied explaining that if a couple puts God first, they have a better chance of making it. This never used to be my way of thinking until I became a Christian a year ago. Marriage is not for 2 people who love sex. Sex actually has nothing to do with it. It’s an expression of love not a duty. Marriage is a promise to each other and to God that you promise to be there for each other through good times and bad. Through tears, through nights sleeping on the couch. Through sickness whether it’s mental or physical. Falling in love is easy, but staying in love is a choice.

Seems like it’s very easy to forget my Christian views when my temper gets the better of me. I do suffer with anxiety and when I’m in a confrontation that is getting heated, I yell. It’s so incredibly hard for me to stay calm. This is a weakness of mine. Reading that woman’s comment snapped me back into reality. I should take a breath, pray to God to help guide me through this tough moment, to help my anger subside so I can act in love instead of anger. Having a spouse that isn’t putting God in the center of his world is even harder. It’s a two way street. We are both lacking in our Christianity during our conflicts. So now what do I do ? Pray pray pray. I signed up for a introduction class at our church that we go to so I can get more information and meet new people. I’m starting a big book study with women this coming week.

I am trying and I won’t give up. But holy hell it’s hard with two people in recovery learning how to communicate their feelings. We cannot do this without god.

So thanks to my nosy behavior and that random comment, I can remind myself what is really important. That promise to eachother to love, be kind, forgive and respect each other.

A lil crazy

You would think after 45 months of sobriety that I would know how to deal with my emotions. But realistically I am still an alcoholic despite not drinking. This is a feeling disease!!! I hate feeling anything that is not happy. Some days it’s too much and I feel like my head is spinning and I honestly don’t know if I am insane or if I am actually a normal person.

I am sitting in my car crying my eyes out with snot coming out of my nose that I’m wiping on my sleeve because I have no Kleenex. I have to pee but I don’t want to go home or to a gas station with makeup running down my face and eyes swollen from crying uncontrollably.

What the fuck is wrong with Me? I’m almost 4 yrs sober which means I’ve only been dealing with my emotions without mind altering substances for nearly 4 years of my life. Prior to drinking I didn’t deal with them at all. Then I drank my face off for 10 yrs straight.

So this feeling shit is really not fun. You want honesty, here you go.

Try being in a  relationship with someone who is in recovery as well. It’s not always a good combination. Despite the love we have, some days we are two crazies trying to uncrazy (is that a word?) ourselves together.

All I have when I feel insane is God and my writing. Okay and my cat and dog but I didn’t bring them with me….

So it’s either a liquor store or my car. I’ve chosen my car because no one likes a crying drunk anyways.

Play the Tape

Succumbing to the drink,

is no longer an option.

Although it seems appealing,

I better stop and think.

Would it erase my fears

& put a smile on my face?

or would it mask my pain

& create more tears?

Its a spiritual malady,

it makes perfect sense.

Restless, irritable & discontent

this was my reality.

Its a physical allergy

an obsession of mine,

I will lose myself

& all of my morality.

So even if I cry today

Ill hand my will over

and continue to pray.

45 months sober

Some say don’t gloat about your sobriety but I say celebrate it. Why? Because I could drink any time I want to be honest. But I choose not to now. Why? Because if I take one sip I mentally and physically lose the ability to stop. That makes me an alcoholic. So each day that I’m sober is a miracle. And if I didn’t share my story I wouldn’t have women messaging me to talk and try to help them.

45 months sober today, not a drop or a puff or anything mind altering.

People can change!

Second Chances

Am I really staring at your picture without tears, anger or disgust?
Have I really come to a place in my life where I can actually fathom forgiving you?

I feel numb. But at least its not due to alcohol. I am emotionally numb.

I havent seen you in 21 years and prior to that you were in and out of my life due to the bottle you chose over us. I didnt understand it then nor did i believe I would actually become an alcoholic myself. I didnt understand that it is also a genetic disease. Hell I didnt even believe it was possible for women to be alcoholics. You were the only one I knew in my life who was. An angry, abusive, fallen down drunk who was in and out of my life until you finally left for good.
Although my step father has raised me since I was 10 years old and I love him to pieces, the damage of being abandoned had already been done. I felt unworthy. Forgotten. Abandoned.
So at age 15 when i had a taste of alcohol, it blew my mind. It helped me forget my feelings. It was my solution. It was fun for awhile until I hit 19 years old and I realized I was like you. Every time I had that thought i drank some more.
You see it wasnt explained to me that alcoholics are also good people who are just lost, broken and spiritually sick. I had no idea, nor did my family, that alcoholism was an obsession of the mind, a spiritual malady and a physical allergy. At 30 years old I heard that in an AA meeting and it turned on the light bulbs that had been dim for so many years. Was it possible to deal with pain in a healthy way? Was it possible that I dont have to repeat your path? Was it possible that I could stop the cycle?

It is possible. At nearly 4 years sober (July 24 2014 my sobriety date) I have become the real me. Through hurdles, tears and hard times, I have stayed sober. Ive learned that there is always a reason behind someones decisions or actions. Ive learned that its not my job to judge others and perhaps people do deserve a second chance. Afterall its a miracle that you are 10 years sober after over 40 yrs of drinking.

I got a second chance so maybe I can give you one too.