Mom Guilt

Mom Guilt. I am experiencing this mom guilt thing to the extreme.

As moms, we must discipline (or at least i hope you do!). We are responsible for the worlds next generation! A little back story – I was raised with strict rules, and manners were highly enforced. My grandfather was the king of proper grammar & mannerisms. Every time he heard one of us say the word, “Um” he would look at us with a confused look and say, “Is um in the dictionary?” It sounds harsh, but his intentions were to teach us proper communication so when we grew up, we would have better chances at employment and success. It makes complete sense to me now. Since my mother was raised this way, my sister & I were as well, with the influence of my gramps. I am not tooting my own horn…..ok I totally am! – but we are extremely well mannered. My sister and I raise our sons this way. From an early age, we have enforced good table manners, please and thank you’s, and the list goes on. We have very well behaved boys in our family. However, no one is perfect (including us parents) and all kids need a bit of discipline. I am NOT talking about spanking! I simply mean taking away electronics, time outs, a good stern lecture every once in awhile lol, that sort of thing. They need direction & they need to know there are rules and consequences to their actions. These are lessons they will take with them for the rest of their lives. And I HATE it. I hate doing it. I wish I could let them do whatever they want whenever they want just to see them happy. But, I know that is not for their own good. I am a mother first before I am their friend. I have been a single parent for 7 years now. Their dad is active in their lives & they have a step mother who his wonderful, and a half brother. They spend time with them every other weekend & once in awhile a bit more. But day to day, for 2 weeks at a time, its just me. IT IS HARD. I have no one to ask to help me out or ask if what I am doing is the right thing. My time is spent mentoring, teaching, guiding, disciplining, scheduling, cooking, cleaning, the list goes on. I want to have fun with them. I love when they are happy and smiling. Some days, I feel like Im the worst mom in the world because the day was not 100% full of rainbows and gumdrops. However logically, making sure my kids are in line, is part of being a good mom! But I have to share my children. When they go to their dads for 2 nights….Are they happy to be away from me if we didn’t have the best week? Did we have a lot of fun together & go to a lot of activities? Am i doing this right? Are they happy? This is what goes through my mind every other Friday when i drop them off. Complete mom guilt.

I am pretty sure a lot of moms can relate to me. I am also sure my mom guilt is severe because I feel like I owe them from all those years I chose the bottle over them. Yes, I was still present and I was an active mother. They have always lived with me. But, our activities and daily routines would involve me having a drink at some point. And near the end of my drinking career it was all I wanted to do. Now that I am 2 years sober, I am still feeling like I have to make up for those evenings we didn’t go out because i wanted to have some wine.

My sons are the greatest gifts God has ever given me. I want my sons to have a happier childhood than I did & a happy life. They are a part of me, and all I want is for them to be better versions of myself. They are so innocent & deserve the most happiness.

Perhaps I haven’t forgiven myself.

 

2 years Sober

 

Today marks my 2 year birthday. 731 days without a drop!!!!

 

Gone Dry

I am a week away from my 2 year cake. I should be filled with pride and excitement. Instead, I am filled with extreme irritability, discontent and restlessness. What the fuck?

Well, lets break this down. I have gone a year without a sponsor. My last sponsor took me through the steps and that was about it. The steps helped me tremendously and I am so grateful. However our sponsor/sponsee relationship ended. I decided to take my time to pick another sponsor. I wanted to wait until I met the right woman, who I knew wouldnt just abandon me. Luckily, I have found her! She chairs my home group meeting. She has always been caring, sweet and there for me over the last couple of years. She has always checked up on me when I miss home group. One evening on the phone, it just clicked! I thought, she’s it! And she agreed. Its hard for me to pick up the phone, it seems to weigh  100lbs. Its also hard for me to believe that someone else cares to hear my bullshit. With time, I think i will get over this. After all its just a fear. (Fear – face everything and rise OR forget everything and run)

What I have realized through talking to her the last week, is that my spiritual malady is back. I have gone to meetings, I help my sponsee, I do service work with my career that I have now, I pray every single day, so I thought I was fine. Well, I have not done any work whatsoever when it comes to my self care. The maintenance of my alcoholic brain. I am programmed to think, feel and react the worst. If I dont maintain my emotional sobriety, I suffer and so do those around me. I am resentful, I am irritable, I am discontent! I should be the complete opposite! I have completed some amazing accomplishments in the last 2 years of being sober. What do I have to be sad and angry about? Nothing! Its my brain, its my alcoholic self. And from what I have learned from so many others in the program, is that I would be a fool to think I will never drink again. I have to be aware that I could take a drink at any time. If i dont maintain my emotional sobriety, my malady, then I WILL DRINK. We can talk the talk but if we dont walk it, we will eventually fall. And I dont want to drink. I have too much to lose. When I play the tape in my head, I dont want to relive that! I dont miss alcohol at all. The only part I miss is the instant relief, but I know with some work I can get the instant relief the healthy way. I really do believe God put my new sponsor in my life for a reason. He knew I was starting to slip. Emotional relapse!

OMG how did i not see this coming!!!!!!!!! Taking a drink is the last step of relapsing. We have already relapsed emotionally! I HAVE TO DO THE WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever heard the saying, “If you dont use it, you lose it.” Well this definitely refers to working the steps into your life. Little by little, day by day, you will start behaving and feeling the way you used to before you completed the steps the first time. Everyone around you will start to notice something is “off”. You will just blame it on life. You are tired, you work hard, family issues, money issues, relationship issues…as usual, as an alcoholic we blame everything else instead of looking at our part in it. The fact is, LIFE WILL KEEP ON BEING LIFE. Shit happens. Shit will ALWAYS HAPPEN. But we can be in control of how we deal with LIFE. I have chose to stop working the program into my life. I made the choice to overlook what I should have been doing. I have chosen to be irritable, discontent and restless. I have chosen to go dry. I cant blame life. I cant blame another person. Its all on me. Now, I can do something about it. I can do the work again, and continue doing the work each and every day to maintain my emotional sobriety. Without emotional sobriety, you go dry. Your chances of drinking go up a huge percent.

what choice will you make today?

Love, The Alcoholic Me

Mandy's Memoir

I’ve been an alcoholic for years. I’ve lied, and I’ve shut my family out because of this disease. I was not the real me for a long time and they suffered because of it.Yet somehow they hung on because they love me.
– Wait, someone loves me that much and hasnt given up??  
– I  didnt believe this for a long time. There were moments that i was so deep into my disease that i convinced myself that even if my boyfriend had left me, I would be okay. But that was the disease; the poison masking my real feelings and fears. I was subconsciously sabotaging my happiness because I didnt believe i deserved it.
– And there you have it. The root of my problems. I dont believe i deserve happiness.
The root of a lot of peoples problems,  I just chose alcohol to “cope” with it.
The difference between…

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Mandy's Memoir

Through the course of the past 8 months of my sobriety, I have been rediscovering certain things about myself that I had forgotten about, or had been completely oblivious to because I was intoxicated or passed out cold. One of those “things” is sleeping. Most nights I sleep like a baby, and by a baby I mean a really good 12 hour sleeper baby! Oh I love sleeping so much, I missed it! All those nights of passing out drunk were not sleeping! I was just  simply in a temporary coma. Every…single…night. It wasn’t until I completed a set of 12 steps, that my restlessness, irritability and discontent (otherwise known as the squirrel inside your head) had finally gone away and I could sleep peacefully again.

I have extremely active dreams every single night. Now that I have been sober for a (small?) chunk of time, I remember as a little girl, I always…

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id love your feedback

Mandy's Memoir

When i think about my journey through alcoholism, I am stunned sometimes to think I have gone through so much shit and I am only 32 years old. Like, I am an alcoholic and age 32? What the hell! How did this happen?

Well, I was predisposed as an alcoholic because i come from a long line of them! My biological father (sperm donor more like it) is a huge alcoholic and his father was one, and his father before him. Basically, addiction is in my blood. I grew up with my mom always telling me to be careful when i grow up and drink. She was very honest about why. I never once thought I had inherited the disease. I never realized that my  unresolved resentment, anger and sadness would be a contributing factor to my alcoholism. Those feelings are what got me started! That first drink was AMAZING! I…

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