Mom Guilt. I am experiencing this mom guilt thing to the extreme.
As moms, we must discipline (or at least i hope you do!). We are responsible for the worlds next generation! A little back story – I was raised with strict rules, and manners were highly enforced. My grandfather was the king of proper grammar & mannerisms. Every time he heard one of us say the word, “Um” he would look at us with a confused look and say, “Is um in the dictionary?” It sounds harsh, but his intentions were to teach us proper communication so when we grew up, we would have better chances at employment and success. It makes complete sense to me now. Since my mother was raised this way, my sister & I were as well, with the influence of my gramps. I am not tooting my own horn…..ok I totally am! – but we are extremely well mannered. My sister and I raise our sons this way. From an early age, we have enforced good table manners, please and thank you’s, and the list goes on. We have very well behaved boys in our family. However, no one is perfect (including us parents) and all kids need a bit of discipline. I am NOT talking about spanking! I simply mean taking away electronics, time outs, a good stern lecture every once in awhile lol, that sort of thing. They need direction & they need to know there are rules and consequences to their actions. These are lessons they will take with them for the rest of their lives. And I HATE it. I hate doing it. I wish I could let them do whatever they want whenever they want just to see them happy. But, I know that is not for their own good. I am a mother first before I am their friend. I have been a single parent for 7 years now. Their dad is active in their lives & they have a step mother who his wonderful, and a half brother. They spend time with them every other weekend & once in awhile a bit more. But day to day, for 2 weeks at a time, its just me. IT IS HARD. I have no one to ask to help me out or ask if what I am doing is the right thing. My time is spent mentoring, teaching, guiding, disciplining, scheduling, cooking, cleaning, the list goes on. I want to have fun with them. I love when they are happy and smiling. Some days, I feel like Im the worst mom in the world because the day was not 100% full of rainbows and gumdrops. However logically, making sure my kids are in line, is part of being a good mom! But I have to share my children. When they go to their dads for 2 nights….Are they happy to be away from me if we didn’t have the best week? Did we have a lot of fun together & go to a lot of activities? Am i doing this right? Are they happy? This is what goes through my mind every other Friday when i drop them off. Complete mom guilt.
I am pretty sure a lot of moms can relate to me. I am also sure my mom guilt is severe because I feel like I owe them from all those years I chose the bottle over them. Yes, I was still present and I was an active mother. They have always lived with me. But, our activities and daily routines would involve me having a drink at some point. And near the end of my drinking career it was all I wanted to do. Now that I am 2 years sober, I am still feeling like I have to make up for those evenings we didn’t go out because i wanted to have some wine.
My sons are the greatest gifts God has ever given me. I want my sons to have a happier childhood than I did & a happy life. They are a part of me, and all I want is for them to be better versions of myself. They are so innocent & deserve the most happiness.
Perhaps I haven’t forgiven myself.