First of all to all my followers who do read my posts when I publish them, I apologize for not writing in awhile. I have no excuse. No matter how busy life is, or what is going on, I should find time to write. I always feel better after writing, I always have. Ever since I was a little girl, I wrote in diaries, and wrote short stories. I used to spend hours and hours writing. I am not sure what happened other than I grew up and daily distractions get in the way.
Today marks 300 days sober. I can hardly believe it. 300 days is absolutely amazing. When I think back I am not sure how my alcoholism got so bad. I’m not sure what day it was that I decided to drink more and more. How did I go from a few drinks a day, to a 1.5L bottle of wine a day, to sneaking a bottle of vodka in my purse? When I really think about my journey, it still baffles me that I’m even here in the first place. But I am here, and it is something that I accepted 300 days ago. I surrendered and accepted that I am forever an alcoholic. But I am now recovering.
My life has been better than it has ever been in all my 31 years. Even when I have a few low, depressed days, my life is still better than ever. I am an honest person again, I am a great mother who is present and emotionally available to my sons. I have a number of wonderful friendships and relationships with my family again. I am not hiding who I am anymore. I have goals again, and I have a relationship with my higher power who I choose to call God. I’m grateful for the program and I’m even more grateful for my close friends and my close family who stuck by me and who have been there for me all the way. My parents, my boyfriend, my sister, my best friends Sarah & Stephanie and my new AA family.
God has always been inside me, I just didn’t know it. I was not the real me for many years. I hated who I had become. I hated myself for all the mistakes I had made through the years. I was ashamed of myself. I blamed myself for every failed relationship I have ever had and any type of abuse that I encountered. I was selfish and self centered. All alcoholics are. Its all about us because its all about the next drink. Alcohol was my solution. It worked for a long time. I functioned and managed my life for some time. However, the more I drank the more depressed I became. Slowly I slipped heavier and heavier into the disease. It started affecting my sons, my relationships, my job. I started isolating more and I wanted to crawl into a deep hole and never come out. The magic was gone. I remember looking at my glass of wine sobbing. I didn’t want to drink it. I knew deep down that I had a horrible problem but I had no idea how to fix it. I couldn’t imagine being happy without alcohol. That thought alone depressed me more so I drank the glass of wine. My life was doomed I had thought to myself daily. I had no hope or faith. I was slowly dying. That is until I hit my rock bottom. I was caught drinking during the daytime by my boyfriend, who had called my parents over for an intervention. I had been lying to them for months claiming that I was sober. I had no manipulative words to say to them, I had no words at all. I had a sense of calmness come over me and I knew that was it. I had sunk to an all time low. My family stopped allowing my sons to sleep at home. They said I had to prove to them that I could stay sober. Each night their beds were empty, I was alone. Reality hit hard. What and who had I become? I did not want my sons to hate me or resent me when they grew up. I did not want to be the source of their problems. I wanted them to be able to come to me and have a great relationship. They are my babies, I have been with them almost every day since I gave birth and now they are gone because I cant put down a drink. My future did not look bright and it was finally clear. I needed help, and I needed it now. I began going to AA meetings every single day. I fully emerged myself in the AA world. I listened to all the stories and I listened with an open heart. I started seeing myself in all of them. I began feeling like I finally related to people and they understood me. I went to 100 meetings in 90 days. After 30 days my parents let my sons come back home at night and everything was back to normal. The radar was on me so If I had been sneaking alcohol they would have known. I would show my mom my purse so she could see that I was not hiding alcohol. But after 30 days they could tell that I was clearly sober. After 90 days everyone noticed how well I was doing. I was calmer, happier and more myself. I met my sponsor and completed the 12 steps and they changed my life. I was able to clear my conscience and let a lot of resentments go that I had been hanging onto since childhood. Today, I have the tools to get myself through the occasional urge. I have serenity that I did not think existed before. I have forgiveness in my heart not only for myself but to those who wronged me in the past. This program is truly a blessing.
Alcoholism is a disease. Its deadly. For the new comers or ones struggling…keep faith. If i can get to 300 days than you can too. Find your strength because it has never left you. You are not a loser or a failure. You are very sick and you can get better and be the amazing person you are inside.