Someone Shoot The F*&^ing Squirrel !

Through the course of the past 8 months of my sobriety, I have been rediscovering certain things about myself that I had forgotten about, or had been completely oblivious to because I was intoxicated or passed out cold. One of those “things” is sleeping. Most nights I sleep like a baby, and by a baby I mean a really good 12 hour sleeper baby! Oh I love sleeping so much, I missed it! All those nights of passing out drunk were not sleeping! I was just  simply in a temporary coma. Every…single…night. It wasn’t until I completed a set of 12 steps, that my restlessness, irritability and discontent (otherwise known as the squirrel inside your head) had finally gone away and I could sleep peacefully again.

I have extremely active dreams every single night. Now that I have been sober for a (small?) chunk of time, I remember as a little girl, I always had very active vivid dreams as well. This is why I always enjoyed sleeping, because each night was like a new storybook or a new movie being played. When I was a little girl, my days were spent listening to screaming, yelling, slamming doors,  fowl language, and trying to be ever so quiet in the midst of it all because if I had dared to ask for even a small, tiny glass of juice, all hell would break loose. So, I looked forward to sleeping. It was my escape from my reality. I was safe there. He couldn’t yell at me, flick me in the head with his fingers, or spank my ass with a wooden spoon. I did not have to hear my sister cry while taking her turn. I didn’t have to listen to the awful words he called my mother. There were no doors that squeaked in the early mornings that made me clinch my face and pray to god that he did not wake up.  I did not have to worry about eating too much because he wasn’t there to comment on how I “shouldn’t eat that much because Ill be chubby like my sister.” In my dreams I was free to fly like a bird. He was not there to tell me my ideas were stupid, or that I should be quiet because strangers could be listening and then they would think I was weird. “Because it matters what they think!!”  In my dreams my sister and I were always together.  I had numerous dreams where we would wake up at night and sneak out of our bedroom window. My sister went first, always in the lead, and she flew out of our bedroom window and whispered, “Come on Amanda!” This was pure happiness! My big sister is saving us and we are flying through the sky.  Those dreams would often end in me falling, with me trying to wake myself up, but I couldn’t. I was getting closer and closer and closer to the ground, about to smash in pieces and I couldn’t wake myself up. But of course the inevitable would happen and I did wake up.  Disappointed. This is how I felt every morning waking up for school. I could see it on my sisters face as well and also my mothers. She was so beautiful but yet she never smiled. I would watch her apply her makeup in the mirror, while she answered every single one of my questions. It was the only time that I had her all to myself. He was not there yelling and calling her names, so she was not shaking and crying. She was just my mommy and I loved watching her apply her makeup. I also loved to watch her sleep. She would often “snooze” for an hour here and there on the weekends ( I always hated that word, snooze. Its such an old granny kind of word!) My mother always had a concentrated look on her face while she slept. I used to watch her and wonder what she was thinking about? Is she escaping too? Is she trying as hard as I did to dream at night? Does she feel safe where she is? Is she happy? I hope mommy is happy there.

The giggles would start when my sister and I would whisper to each other, “Look how stiff she lays, she looks like a mummy!” And then she awoke eyes WIDE open, startled! We held our breath, and she rolled over and fell asleep.

But the giggles never lasted long, because he was bound to come home. As soon a we could hear the foot steps on the back stairs, our backs stiffened and our anxiety levels soared. It was time to be quiet. Speak when asked to and say the right thing. Its all we had to do if we wanted to go to bed without fighting. It was rare, but those quiet nights were fun for me. I drove my sister nuts whispering and chattering her ear off while she tried to sleep. I had been quiet all evening and I needed somebody to listen to all this noise inside my head! Who needs a bedtime story when you have a chatty little sister like me!?

It is no wonder I used alcohol to shut the sounds off when I grew up. I just wanted to fall asleep and dream because that was my safe place. I didn’t have to be perfect there, and no one was there to make me cry. I didn’t feel stupid, afraid or ugly there. I didn’t have to deal with anything. It was my own world, and whatever I created it to be.

I just wanted that damn fucking squirrel to shut up so I could sleep!

My 8th Sober Month Check-In

Well folks I just passed the 8 month sober mark! WOOHOO! I realize I am still new in sobriety, however, it feels great to be able to tell people that I have this length of time. Its sort of like a relationship! The first month dating someone new, you hit one month and you think “Well, okay, this guy/gal is kind of cool, lets see where this goes!” Then, you hit three months and you think “Okay this is great! He/she is totally awesome lets make it official!” Six months comes along and by now you have seen a few character flaws in each other that you are trying to sort through. But, you are happy and content and you know working through it will be worth it!

My first month sober was great, I felt positive and more determined than any of the other times I had tried to stop drinking. Within that first month I knew I could make it past thirty days. I was going to a meeting a day, and really hooked in well with the program. When month three hit, I was so proud of myself for making it ninety days. Part of me couldn’t believe it, but here I was sober for ninety days and I wasn’t craving a drink! However between month three and month six is when I realized that I had been on a pink cloud. I was happy, excited, proud and determined. But coming close to six months is when I started doing step work with my sponsor. We got down to the nitty gritty details of my past and a lot came up that I was holding in. This, I did not like! This is why I drank for years! I don’t like feeling these feelings of hurt & despair. But, I stuck it through. I trusted my sponsor when she told me “Just wait, the promises do come.” I continued to do the work, and I was extremely emotional through the process. I didn’t go out and socialize with friends because I felt like I didn’t fit in anymore. I felt like I was boring and I had no idea what I would have talked about in a crowd of people. What happened to me? I used to be a social butterfly. My friends and family used to laugh at me because I never shut up! I was the chatter box of the group! What happened? Well, its clear now what happened! Alcohol crept up on me. The fun times stopped, but the drinking continued. Twenty years of heartache was beginning to boil to the surface so I drank even more to keep it bottled down.

After I had finished the steps with my sponsor I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. I was shocked that doing a set of steps actually worked and helped me feel better. Its a miracle! I felt calm and peaceful without any alcohol in my system or prescription drug from my doctor. I have never been a calm person! That damn fucking squirrel inside my head never stopped, even when I was a small child. That is when I had my spiritual awakening. I have always believed in a higher power, but this is when I knew he was there by my side all the time. This is when I knew I was going to be okay. I never knew what inner peace felt like, for thirty years I was living in constant worry and fear. All those years of build up came out one day in tears. I sobbed for almost an hour to my boyfriend. He held me and just listened. I couldn’t stop crying! Physically could not stop. I almost felt embarrassed but I surrendered and just let the tears flow. It was therapeutic and I was releasing a lot of buried emotions. I will never forget this day.

So now im in my eighth month of sobriety. I also just celebrated my thirty first birthday. After dinner a group of us went back to my brother in laws place. Everyone grabbed drinks. The music went on and I realized that the evening was turning into a house party. But while I scanned the room and saw everyone enjoying themselves on my birthday, I realized that It wasn’t the type of party that I remember. No one was falling over, no one was fighting, and no one was passing out at the table. Is this how normies drink? I was almost shocked because there was no way that I could sit there and sip on a drink. And whats this about only having a couple drinks and then switching to water? Really? People can do that? HA! Wow, I am truly an alcoholic. My boyfriend came over to me and whispered to me “Are you okay?” I looked at him and with 100% honesty I told him yes, I am more than fine! I am not bothered with the drinking at all! I don’t feel left out, and Im having a great time chatting with my friends!  I also realized that this birthday was the biggest turn out for guests that I have ever had. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that they know I wont be hammered and passed out by nine o clock?! All these people came for me. The real me. The sober me.  I don’t have to mask who I am anymore. I no longer have to hide because of insecurities. I am realizing that people liked me more than I had liked myself. I am so grateful for my sobriety and everything that I am learning about myself. I am starting to be the old me again, but this version is new and improved!

So as I head closer to the one year mark in my relationship with sobriety, I am loving it.  Not every day is wonderful but I am happy. I am happy taking it one day at a time.

What day is it again?

Great Read for those struggling or those who need to remember where you came from

opiumodium

Aaaaaaargh!!!

There are no words powerful enough to describe the frustration I feel with myself. I am coasting through life, becoming more and more isolated, with no direction other than having a constant need to remedy the burning withdrawals that are so consistent, you could set your watch by them.

I am spiritually bankrupt, physically battered and feel as though my self will and free thought have been hijacked by an evil intruder. It hurts and I want it to stop, I am exhausted.

I used to have a lust for life, a vision and a passion for making things happen. I used to be excited by love and the touch of a woman. My now ex-girlfriend used to mean everything to me but she got fed up with my blasé attitude toward life and left. Can I blame her? Nope! Did I fight for her? Of course not. I did what…

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I am not an Anonymous Alcoholic

13

A few months back, I met a fellow recovering alcoholic at a meeting. We got along well right away. After a few meetings together, we added each other on Facebook.

Before I continue, I want to explain how I personally run my Facebook profile. Most people I have on my Facebook are members of my family, members of my boyfriends family, friends & older friends who I have known for a very long time even if we don’t see each other anymore, & my new friends I have made in AA. I do not use my Facebook as a personal popularity contest. I personally do not understand how someone can have over 500 or 1000 friends because there is no way in hell that they actually know that many people. I really highly doubt it! I also have certain privacy restrictions. Some people are restricted, so they do not see all my pictures or my daily status. With that being explained, I have every right as an individual, to post whatever I may please on my Facebook wall. After all I am sharing it with selected people on my friends list, mostly all family and close friends! Since becoming sober last July, I slowly began being open about my sobriety with my friends and family. I started out with hints while sharing a quote, or posting a selfie with the number of days sober. Eventually I posted a selfie holding a sobriety chip, and that’s when my facebook blew up with likes and comments. Most of them had no clue that I had any kind of problem. But you know, I had all positive comments and everyone was very supportive. I felt relieved, and proud of myself for not hiding it anymore. I hid it from everyone in my close circle (or tried…and terribly failed!) and it felt great to be out in the open. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I was no longer lying or hiding it. Now, I understand this is not the way for everyone, but it is for me. When I finally got sober & started recovering, I vowed to never hide who I was again. Sure, I suffer with more than just alcoholism. I have an eating disorder as well. But im not recovering, so i choose not to talk about it just yet. I cannot help others when i am suffereing and struggling myself. While I am recovering from alcoholism, and going through the journey, I can help those still suffering. I can share my experience, strength and hope with them. I can share my story, what it was like then, and what it is like now. At the end of the day, helping others helps me!

Not more than a month or two after we added eachother on facebook, she sent me a message telling me that she has decided to remove me as a friend because of the things i post on facebook (obviously about my sobriety). She said she is big on keeping the anonymity of AA and cannot be friends on social media with me. I was instantly defensive and bothered with this. I told her I am not breaking anonymity. She never explained any further, so I let it go. But it has since kept me wondering. Are we breaking anonymity because some of choose to be open about our sobriety on social media? Addiction is all around us, everywhere we go. There is still a stigma because there are many who do not understand it. The problem is public, however I am not supposed to share my story publically in hopes to be part of the solution? Sure, i share at meetings. But the solutions should be allowed to be spread further than the rooms. There are people suffereing in silence. They are reading what others have to say on facebook or instagram, and building up the courage to call for help.If they make that call, than I have helped them and have done a service.

I will always keep what I hear at meetings, within that room. I love AA and what the program has done for my sobriety. I never gossip after a meeting, I do not tell my family what I hear, and I will never write about what I hear. But, I will always be open & honest with my own story with whoever I choose, wherever I choose and whenever I choose. That is my right, and part of my recovery is helping others struggling, and in my opinion it doesn’t stop at the door of a meeting. It goes beyond the doors because you never know who is struggling, where they are, or where they may hear just the right thing, that gives them strength & courage to ask for help.

A Goodbye Letter

Speaks to the heart of many in recovery 🙂

Margie's Musings

“I keep putting off writing this letter, because it’s honestly the hardest goodbye I’ve ever had to say. I’ve said many goodbyes in the past- none of them easy- but the pain of each of them dulled by you. You’ve always been there for me, when I’ve needed to cope with pain, calm my nerves, boost my confidence, mask my introversion, increase my energy, mend a broken heart, hide from my own thoughts, or appear more attractive. But it’s ironic because in the end, you’ve only destroyed my hope of possessing any of the thing you promised me.

“My love affair with you has brought me crippling anxiety, isolation from those who love me, migraines and fatigue, broken relationships, total humiliation, and an inescapable hatred of the face I’m forced to look in the mirror every morning. You’ve burned through piles of cash, dug pits of debt, disregarded my health…

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