I will not break….your words mean NOTHING

If you have not had the privilege & blessing of being a mother than keep your damn opinion to yourself. Having a uterus doesn’t give me the right to have children it gives me the privilege of having them! Before anything on this earth, I will put my sons first. Before the air I breath, before my own wants & desires. I only need my sons, bf, closest family & best girlfriend’s in my life, I do not need any negative impact whatsoever so save it for someone weak because I am strong as hell & I won’t let anyone break me. Not anymore.

Z Happy!

(pronounced Zee Happy)

First of all………..I LOVE SLEEP! I look forward to this moment of my day! I feel like a new mom again who is finally getting a good nights sleep! It is truly amazing! For those of you who sleep like babies every night…good for you…however for addicts like myself or any addict for that matter, sleep has been something that has been interrupted or non existent for that matter, for a long time. I was either passed out cold drunk which we all know is not really sleeping, or, I was tossing and turning in bed all night with anxiety over not drinking!

Those nights that I “tried” to quit drinking, i would toss and turn, over and over throughout the night at which some point I would finally fall asleep out of pure exhaustion. I would wake in the morning in a cold sweat, feeling like I hadn’t slept at all! While at the same time, there was a tiny amount of pride that I made it through one night without drinking. ~ Pretty sad now that I look back on it. This is truly when one must quit for good & admit they have a serious problem.

Two months ago when i quit for the fourth time, i relived this same scenario. It took about three nights until I finally fell asleep within 20 minutes and stayed asleep until my alarm went off. I had dreams! They were so vivid! I felt incredibly refreshed for the first time in…….FOREVER! The first glance I had at myself in the mirror I was satisfied with how i looked. I was not hungover, my eyes were white & clear. My under eyes were not puffy & I did not have a headache nor feel like i had to chug a liter of water!

Im sure most of you know what it feels like to be hungover. Most of us went through a party stage at some point in our lives. Now imagine your worst hangover. Remember how shitty you felt? How badly you regretted drinking the night before? Well, this was me every morning. I swear i was going to quit drinking every single day until around 12pm when i started feeling better.

When i look back on this i really don’t understand how i went about my days and functioned. Of course there were days where i didn’t make it into work but for the most part i held it together. I took care of the things that needed to be done in my day. But, barely, I was miserable. I mean, who wouldn’t be when they were hungover every day? Who in the world would want to be around someone like that? Why was I doing this to myself? Why was I okay with poisoning myself every day and slowly taking my life?

Now that I am attending regular AA meetings and speaking to my sponsor, i now realize that alcoholics have whats called a, “Mental Obsession & Physical Allergy”. When i first read this in the big book, and heard it from AA members, a light bulb went on.

WOW! I thought! That totally makes sense. Its on my mind every moment of every single day whether i want to drink or not. And as soon as I had one drink, my body was allergic to the alcohol so therefore, that one drink would turn into an entire bottle.

When I have my depressed days (They aren’t as often anymore) I do have a hard time with my remorse, guilt and sadness over the relationships that I hurt while drinking. I think about my children first but quickly remember they are so young right now which is a benefit because i will have saved them years of hurt and pain if i continued to drink as they got older. They also love me so much and show me every single day. I also think about my family and how i disappointed them so badly. This hurts deeply especially when I think about my mom, dad, sister & close immediate family members. Including my boyfriend. But with being in recovery for a short while now, I think about the positives. I did not drink to hurt them, i did not lie & cover it up with bad intentions. I was simply covering up a lot of pain and numbing any kind of feeling I had inside me. I did not want to deal with anything. I also now realize that they love me so much that they were willing to stop being in my life if that meant I would finally wake up and realize that I need, deserve & should get better. When i lay my head down on my pillow now, I know they are all proud of me, I am proud of me because I am slowly starting to see what they all see. A young woman & mother who deserves to be happy again, to laugh, to be healthy & to feel the good in what life has to offer.

The more i learn about this disease, the easier it is for me not to pick up that first drink. The easier it is for me to lay my head down on my pillow at night and smile while i go to sleep. All I can do is not pick up that first drink & not think about tomorrow or the next day, or next week. I need to go day by day, even hour by hour some days.

Every night that I go to sleep sober is a successful day & each morning I wake up is another restful sleep that my body has had. I am truly grateful.

For today.

Be Thankful For the Pain

It seems to me like the last 10 years have flown by so damn quickly it boggles my mind some days when I think about it. 

Part of my excitement with turning 30 years old recently, is because I have been ready to say goodbye to the last decade. There have been many great moments in the last 10 years that I am grateful for, and others, well….the other moments can just stay put…in the past.

During my twenties I attended college where my diploma still helps me to this day with all the wonderful jobs I have held. I fell in love, and I also became a mother of twins. My twins have been the highlight of my life the last seven years. My reasoning for waking up every single day and why I keep going. Even when I don’t want to keep going, I do because of them. True angels sent from God.

I had my first real experience at a serious relationship where I learned a great deal about how much work it takes to keep a relationship going. No one tells us that when you fall in love, it doesnt end up being like Cinderella or Snow White! It was a real eye opener for me. He was the first person I had ever lived with aside from my parents. Perhaps we rushed things, but at the time something pulled me in & I almost felt a need to give it a try. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. So, i went for it despite the doubts my family had. I followed my heart. It wasnt too long into the relationship when I became pregnant. What have I done? What will i do? I was scared out of my mind yet i was so excited & happy at the same time. I couldnt put my finger on it, and I still cannot to this day but something deep inside me actually wanted to have a baby. And,18 weeks into the pregnancy i was given the most shocking news of my life….i was pregnant with identical twins. 

The relationship started to fall apart within the year of their birth. We were both so overwhelmed, young, and it later became a realization that we were too different and perhaps we were both hanging on for the sake of our sons, but we were both miserable. I closed off and started to drink as soon as the babies were in bed for the night. It was my time of the day to finally relax after taking care of two babies for 8 hours while he worked. He started to lie and go out more often, and he wouldnt come home until the wee hours of the night. In the back of my mind I knew what he was doing, but I stuffed it down deep so I didnt have to deal with it. 

I wanted it to work so badly. I felt like a failure if it didnt work. But i was not ms. perfect either. My drinking was out of hand, i was not affectionate at all, and I was overwhelmed and sad all the time. Who would want to be around someone like that? I blamed myself for a long time & justified his cheating. However years later i can now say, that despite our issues at the time, it still does not give him the right to go down the road that he went down. We all make mistakes in relationships, we are all human. But finish and end your current relationship before you get into bed with someone else. When i found this out, i was absolutely devastated. How did this happen to me? How could i overlook all the signs and signals? I became “that girl” who I never wanted to be. I was unhappy, heartbroken, confused, angry and I had to find a way to make it better for the sake of my babies. I ended the relationship and I was back at my parents house, on the couch. But  I thank God for the father of my twins because without meeting him, i would not have my twin boys nor would i have the knowledge and experience that I have today, to make a relationship work. 

It took a few months for me to feel somewhat normal again. When i started telling people that i was a single mother of twins, it felt so odd and weird to say. Over time, i became proud to say it! I was doing it ON MY OWN. I was independent once again and handling life!! I almost felt like i was back to the old me again, but with two little sidekicks running along with me. I can do anything! I got the boys in daycare, got myself a job, bought a car, & moved the three of us into a basement suite all within 5 months of ending my relationship. This was the real me…the independent firecracker who never let anyone stop me. 

After making some horrible – and when i say horrible, i mean HORRIBLE – dating mistakes (total douche he was!), I met my current boyfriend 4 years ago. We had actually dated when we were 20 years old, and I had always thought about him through the years. Oh and here we were years later in the frozen food section. Oh my he was still super hot! We started talking about our kids, and I asked the most awkward question, “Are you still with the mother?” (inside my head im thinking – please say no please say no) and he replied with, “No, are you?”. I said, “No!”….and a week later we hung out and ended up back at my place! HA!

That first year was on and off for us. We both had recent baggage to deal with and we didnt know how to communicate properly with eachother and coordinate our lives together. Finally in May 2011 he made a mistake that pissed me off and i ignored him for almost three days. I know this was super childish but i really wanted him to know how serious i was. On the third day i went over to see him, and i told him exactly that. I also said, if we try again this is it. If we break up again thats it I cannot keep going back and forth, but all i knew is that my heart was always pulled towards him. Something always brought me back to him. My gut instinct told me to keep trying. So i listened. And here we are almost 3 solid years later. This has been by far the best relationship I have ever experienced. For the good, the bad & the ugly experiences. We have been through hell and back, and we still are so in love every single day. The difference you ask? We dont go to bed angry, we both equally want it to work because we are both so deeply in love. We are honest with eachother even when we know the other will not like what we have to say. We want eachother to succeed and we do  not give up on eachother when we make mistakes. We help eachother up, and walk together.

Part of my mistake the past few years is my drinking. I thought he would like to be around me more if i had a bit of liquid courage if you will. Afterall, the other relationships I experienced, they either treated my horribly, or cheated on me. So in the back of my mind, i thought if i “altered” myself in such a way, that maybe I would be more fun to be around. And we did have fun – But my drinking became too much to handle. One day, he looked at me and started to cry. This was new for me! A man crying? He isnt yelling at me to stop drinking? He is crying?? Wow…..oh my goodness this man really really loves me. For me? The real me? I am almost astonished to this day that he loves me unconditionally. 

He looked at me and said, “I didnt realize how much pain you were holding in”. And we cried together. Whether he remembers that moment or not, i will never forget it because he really understands me and he proved it to me at that moment. He actually truly cares for me and my well being. Maybe my self loathing can date back to my childhood. My biological father didnt want anything to do with me, every guy I had ever dated did me wrong to some extent, and the father of my children lied & cheated on me. So ofcourse I spent years thinking it was all my fault and I was just damaged goods, so who the hell would want the real me? 

Well, i have been pleasantly surprsied. There are so many reasons why I love him, and maybe i will get to those reasons in another post. But what i will say is….be thankful for the pain you experience because it will eventually bring you to where you are supposed to be. And for me, I am meant to be by his side for the rest of my life. He has broken down my walls, he knows every single thing about me, and he STILL wants to be with me. He not only tells me he loves me daily, but he shows me that he loves me in his actions. He is by far the best man I have ever known in my life. 

I know this sounds corny, but he really is my best friend. He is the true definition of a best friend, an unbelievable lover & impeccable soul. I only hope that I can be all of these things to him as well.

I thank god every day for my boyfriend, i truly feel lucky and blessed to have him in my life. I will spend the rest of my life showing him that he means the world to me. I want him by my side while i go through life. Even I, the alcoholic, deserves true love.

Be thankful for the pain, you wouldn’t be who you are today if you never experienced it.