“If we never fa…

“If we never fall at least once, we will never understand the importance and strength it takes to get back up and start again” – MandyMarie22

Instead of beating myself up over my mistakes and troubles that I have endured in my lifetime so far, I remind myself that I am human and it is okay to make mistakes. We all make them and if anyone out there claims they are perfect, than I think that person is in more pain than they are leading on. We can only hide and bury our mistakes, pain and troubles for so long before we explode. Let me tell you from experience, it is not a fun road to take. For years i pretended everything was fine as long as I didn’t address the real issues. Out of sight, out of mind, right? WRONG. My guilt, my mistakes, my troubles lingered in my mind every single moment of every single day, yet i put on a front like everything was okay. The only person i was fooling was myself. So, to the kitchen I went to pour a glass of wine. And another, and another, and another. Anything to numb what i was actually feeling inside. I didn’t want to feel the pain, the hurt, or the disappointment. Why would i want to feel all those negative feelings? – Well, it all snow balled into a big disaster. 

One thing I have learned over the last couple of months is that nothing will ever be okay if i don’t address all my issues. They will continue to linger inside my mind and drive me into a deep dark hole. I cant imagine sinking any lower so i do not want to go there! I refuse to go there! So, if i have to relive some moments of my past that caused me to block it all out, then so be it. Lets do this because I’m sick and tired of feeling depressed, hurt, sad and angry. 

I have fallen, I have stayed down and I have laid there in a pool of self loathing. But this time is different. This time I do not want to lay there any longer. I am standing now, and I will continue to stand in confidence that I will succeed. 

Polish Up Your Soapbox: How to Rant Without Being a Big Stupid Jerk

Wonderful read,and very true!

The Daily Post

We all need to let off steam sometimes, and what better place than the internet? We certainly advocate for thoughtful, reflective posts, but the odd rant can be a lot of fun to write — and to read.

Can you rant without sounding like a big stupid jerk? You can, with these eight tips:

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My 30th SOBER Birthday

Ahhhhh turning the big 3-0. Its a milestone! Its a big one! Time to get crazy and wild, right?!

Not….for me anyways.

I had always pictured my 30th birthday party being a huge event with all my friends and family. Vegas? House party? Maybe a hotel! However what it actually turned out to be, was even better. Sober! – Because lets face it, if I was still drinking the only people celebrating in Vegas would have been the people who came with me, because I would have been passed out in the hotel room, awaking the next morning feeling like complete shit along extreme humiliation and guilt.

I will admit that  it was a bit odd at first. Here i was in the bathroom putting on my makeup, trying to decide what to wear to dinner. This would have been the time of the evening when i poured my first drink and sipped it (okay fine lets be real, sipping aka gulping) while getting all beautified. Did it make me feel prettier? More confident? Less anxious? Yes to all three. To my surprise, when i was done getting ready, i looked at myself in the mirror, and for the first time in a long time, i was pleased with what i saw. I was not looking through foggy eyes nor was i feeling a false sense of confidence heightened by alcohol. I was 100% sober, and i was very pleased. This, is a huge milestone to say the least. It has been 10 years since I could say i was satisfied with the way i looked……and i was sober. ( and so the selfies began! #selfie holla! LOL )

My parents got a beautiful table at a nice restaurant that had a fire pit in the middle of the table. For a moment, i was in Vegas! My best friend was there, my boyfriend, my twin sons & his son. Our three boys are all the same age, and we put them in dress clothes with ties! They were so cute! My sons brought me a present and they were so excited to give it to me. They picked out the gift bag together, the card and even picked out the purple tissue paper! They had picked out pearls! ( Okay i had to fake a big huge smile because i dont wear pearls ) I kissed them both and said, ” Thank you so much i love them! You both made my birthday the best birthday ever! ” And the smile on each of their faces was priceless. The effort and thought they put into surprising mommy was the best gift ever. I now understand why my mom always looked so happy when my sister & i would give her homemade gifts, or gifts we picked out that weren’t on her list. Our childrens love is so unconditional and pure, looking at their smiles, melted my heart and even brings tears to my eyes to this moment. I am so lucky to have been blessed with two sons. Twins! And i will wear the pearls when i take them out on our next dinner date i told them! They jumped up and down with excitement! ~ And you know what…when i put the pearls on, they actually look pretty good!

Our three boys had begged the waitress to get me cake for my birthday. Without my knowledge they had this planned the entire evening during dinner. I thought they were just flirting with the waitress ( believe me, they are only 7 but they do flirt! ) At the end of the dinner, they came around and handed me a single white rose and a piece of cake, along with a card signed by all three boys, and everyone sang me happy birthday. I felt so special, and those three special gentlemen got a very special kiss from me!

Turning 30 was definitely a different experience than i had ever imagined. I am so grateful and content. I will always be able to look back and remember every detail, my mom and dad, my best friend, my boys’ thoughtful effort and endearing smiles, and the love of my life who has been by my side this whole time. My life is changing, and I am excited! The sun is starting to peak through the stormy clouds and I can now see that everything will be okay. I just have to hold on to faith ~ For all is through him.

Celebrating really can be fun while celebrating sober.

xo

Flippin the bird to Addiction

Alright…i needed to post again. I feel a rush of positive energy today and I need to let it out!

This past week has been a struggle for me. I have been in a slump. Other than going to work, my ass has been planted on my couch where I have been hibernating away from the world. This is not uncommon unfortunately. I tend to do this from time to time. Its my depressed state of mind that makes me feel that I am better off alone so the rest of my family or friends don’t have to be around a negative Nancy. But that is totally messed up! My close friends and family always make me feel better so why in the world do i shut people out? This is a repetitive cycle that i have to break. I need to break it! I am so pissed off with the way my brain is wired! So instead of me sitting my ass on my couch watching lame reality TV (okay its entertaining as hell to see celebrities making an ass of themselves..makes me feel a bit better about my own life……is this wrong?) I intend to get out of this slump and keep moving forward. All i have to do is continue to come out of my comfort zone, meet with family and friends, keep writing my feelings & do things that make me happy. That’s right…there are things that make me happy! I shall make a list!

Dear addiction, you have kept me caged away for too long. I intend to break free and I will succeed. So today while I am feeling a positive burst of energy, i say to you….F*** YOU!

 

That is all.

Mandys Introduction

In five days I am turning thirty years old. I am no where near  where I thought I would be! Life has its surprises! My twenties have been extremely difficult as well as rewarding at the same time. In the last ten years I have graduated college, became a mother, was engaged, became a single mother, started over from scratch while sleeping on my parents couch, and last but not least, realized that I am an alcoholic. That word took me a long time to even say out loud. Even as I type that word I paused and stared at it. Surreal to say the least.

I have began this sober journey February 11 2014. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and making this public in hopes to not only help myself heal, but to also help someone else. I am not seeking fame or money, I only hope to help anyone out there who is going through the pain and turmoil of addiction. Listening to others speak about their addiction helps a great deal.  Every time I go to an AA meeting I feel so much better because I realize that I am not alone. For years I have felt so alone that it sank my heart into a deep depression which resulted in a damaging coping mechanism called alcohol.

This is my journey. My life, my words & my feelings.