If I close my eyes I can still feel my twins this small. I can still see them play together. I can feel their little hands pat me on the back when they hug me.
Life moves too fast. We say and hear that all the time. But we dont really stop to realize what we are saying. Life moves TOO fast. It goes along in fast forward mode. You blink, and your kids are taller. You blink again and they’re growing facial hair and they’re taller than you.
Having another baby 12 yrs after my twins has brought up a lot of memories. It’s also brought up a lot of mom guilt.
Soon after I gave birth to the twins I drank. I believe the laughing gas during labor triggered the allergy and obsession because it made me feel stoned and I loved it. Ofcourse I didnt realize this then. Once the babies went to bed for the night I would have some drinks. For awhile it was social and it was considered normal. I functioned just fine! I still got up at night if the babies woke up, I got up in the morning and we went about our day.
However as time went on so did the progression of my alcoholism. A couple drinks turned into a few, turned into a bottle. Being tired in the morning turned into being hungover and grumpy as f*ck. You see, I was unhappy in my relationship and I also had post partum depression. I was 23 with twins and I had untreated mental health issues and alcoholism. Looking back, no wonder I drank. I had zero coping skills. I was impatient, snippy and sometimes I would cry and cry and cry. I felt like the worst mother in the world.
I won’t go into too much detail on the first 7 yrs of their lives, you can read past blog posts for those stories. But I was an active alcoholic for those first 7 yrs. My only true happiness came in a bottle. My priority was to drink. I always made sure we were home by a specific time so I could have enough time in the evening to crack open the wine. It sucks admitting that even today. But it’s the truth. The twins were always taken care of. I worked, paid my bills etc. To the outside world I had it together. But inside, I was dying and it was getting worse and worse and if I had kept going I would have lost my kids and everything I had including my family. Thank god I chose to get sober july 24th 2014.
What has having a baby 12 yrs later, and having been sober 5 yrs taught me?
I now enjoy the little things. The cuddles, even when I need to get chores done, and I wish he would nap on his own, I remind myself that he wont be little forever. In the mornings, I’m tired but I’m sober. I’m grateful to be sober tired than hung over tired. I’m patient with the baby, and I’m not in a rush for his bed time at night because of wine. I put him to bed to simply keep a routine for him. It’s all about the baby and I have no lingering thoughts in the back of my mind of wanting the day or evening to go by quick so I can drink. My baby won’t be a baby very long. The twins are nearly 13 yrs old, taller than me, shaving, and I’m pretty sure I can fit their jeans.
The mom guilt comes in when I realize how impatient and moody I was when the twins were babies compared to how patient and happy I am with their baby brother.
However I MUST remind myself that I was sick back then. I wasnt a bad mom, I was a mom who was unwell. I MUST remind myself that under the circumstances, I did a great job because the boys are extremely well behaved young men. I remind myself that we had plenty of fun days, laughs, cuddles and tickling. We made memories and all the smiles in the pictures are real. The most important thing that I MUST do is remind myself that I got sober and have been sober the last 5+ years of their lives.
I cannot sit in guilt too long or it will take me to dark places. I have to practice positive self talk.
♡I am sober.
♡I am a great mother to all 3 of my sons.
♡I am healthier now
♡I am happier now even on a bad day
♡My 3 sons are happy & healthy.
I saved the older boys a life of disappointment and heartache. They are happy and our bond is indescribable. I realize every day that it could’ve been different.
God made me a mother of twins during a very dark decade of my life. I came out of the darkness with them hand in hand. Now he blessed me with another son, during the healthiest time of my life. We aren’t given these gifts for no reason. I believe we give our children life but they give our life purpose.
My advice to first time parents:
♡Cherish the cuddles
♡Enjoy the early mornings and the fact that you have a smiling face staring at you who is so excited to see you. One day they’ll be grown and you wont have that smiling face staring at you in the morning anymore.
♡Remind yourself on tough days that those cranky days wont last.
♡Take time for yourself. It’s okay to get out of the house and be an adult. You’ll be a better parent for taking a little time for yourself.
♡Dont worry about them getting dirty or even eating dirt. Clothes get washed and dirt wont hurt them.
♡Dont put them to bed frustrated. Always end the day with kisses and “I love you’s”
♡Dont be in a rush for them to grow to the next phase. Trust me, every age comes with its challenges.
♡Slow down. Be grateful you get to experience life again through their eyes.