2000 days sober!!!!!!

2000 days without a drop of alcohol or anything mind altering!
Get honest with yourself and others! You can do it, question is, do you want it? Do you think you’re worthy of sobriety? I find that it came down to the fact that I didnt feel worthy of my families forgiveness and I didnt believe I was worth happines and happiness sure as hell didn’t come with sobriety. So I thought………….

I started out as a “normal social drinker”. I even went to college and started working. However, the progression slowly increased. I drank for any reason. The good, the bad, the ugly. I ended up drinking alone, lieing to everyone about how bad it was. Pretending to be sober sometimes. Called into work “sick”. I ended up drinking before work in the morning to stop the shakes. Inside I knew. I knew it was a problem. I knew I was an alcoholic. I didn’t want to drink anymore but I couldn’t stop. I physically depended upon it. I was so disappointed in myself. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I didnt want to drink but I was scared to live sober. That’s a terrifying place to be in.
I was faced with losing my kids, so that was my last day drinking. My sobriety date is July 24 2014.
I have learned how to FEEL again. The good, the bad and the ugly. It’s not always fun, but it’s better than messing up my entire life and those around me! I have found ME again. A better version!!!!

I have learned FORGIVENESS. Which is a true miracle in itself considering I spent 30 yrs resenting people. I have found PEACE. Even through the chaos of life. I dont have 1 single reason to drink. It will solve nothing. Because 1 drink is never enough. I know that now, I accept it, I admit it. I am no longer ashamed! My journey has made me who I am today. I wouldn’t have done this much work on myself if I wasnt a recovering alcoholic!!! I’m proud and I wish happiness and health for everyone. No matter what you’ve done, where you’ve been, or where you are now, you are worth happines!!!!!!!!!

My Last Lullaby

Go to sleep my baby,
Just close your eyes.
It’ll be alright,
I’ll see you at sunrise.

You’ll be nice and warm,
I’ll tuck you in tight.
So let your dreams take over,
All through the night.

I’ll hold you for awhile,
I dont want to let go.
You’re my last baby,
And soon you’ll grow!

You smell so sweet,
Your hands so small.
But you must sleep,
To grow big and tall!

Now you’re asleep,
I can hear you snore.
You’re my last baby,
So I’ll hold you some more.

Let me soak it all in,
Every cuddle, every kiss,
Cuz one day you’ll be grown
And my baby I’ll miss.




– For Jacob

You’re the asshole, not them.

I didn’t think I was worthy enough to be happy, so why try?

---

Anger is a reaction, not a feeling. We do not feel angry, we act angry. Some of us scream, yell, cry, hit or throw. Quite often we calm down, either work the problem out or forget about it and sweep it under a rug for a later day. But do we actually ask ourselves WHAT made us react and HOW did we feel!? If we dont learn about our emotions and how to work through them, we will go through life angry, bitter, sad or depressed.

This is especially dangerous for alcoholics. We hate to feel. Our main problem is between the ears. Alcohol silenced those voices and calmed the nerves. Alcohol justified every feeling for me. If I was sad before I drank, I became a crying mess after a bottle or I became cocky and angry telling myself its everyone else’s fault but mine. I spent the first 30 yrs of my life blaming everyone else. For every minute that I spent blaming others was a minute I wasted. I put so much energy into blaming others that when I did start to have the smallest realization that it was me who was wrong, I couldn’t handle the shame & guilt. So I drank to numb those feelings. It’s easier to point the finger at other people. Its classic deflection. One of the hardest things anyone has to do is work on their own shit that is causing complete and utter pain and suffering to those around them. No one wants to feel what that feels like. As an alcoholic I was always in that self pity state of mind which was heightened by drinking. By the end of my drinking career, alcohol wasnt even working! It was no longer numbing my feelings. It fueled them! Every feeling was worse and every thought was obsessive. I didnt want to drink, but I didnt want to be sober.

Becoming sober was a massive worldwind of emotions. I cried a lot during my first year. Its during my first 6 months that I discovered that a lot of my anger towards life actually came from fear. I wasn’t feeling angry, I was acting angry because I was feeling abandoned, lonely, heartbroken, depressed, scared and unworthy. I was feeling so many things at once and I didn’t know what to do with them so i put on this mask to protect myself from showing anyone my true feelings. If I was to show them my real feelings than I would have to talk about them. Talking about them means possibly working through them. For years that seemed impossible to do. So why try? All I knew was negativity, self pity and sadness. Anything else was foreign to me. So it was pointless to talk about my feelings.

Until someone told me they once felt the same as me. But how? I thought. They were happy. How is that possible?

By this time I was so desperate and I had no chances left with my family. So I listened to her. I slowly started noticing the similarities rather than focusing on the differences. Eventually it clicked, MAYBE I can learn how to be happy too. If this person could do it, MAYBE I can too.

So I had to write down my feelings. What happened, how did it make me feel, how did I react. What was my part in the situation.

Anyone can do this, you don’t have to be an alcoholic. You’ll start to see a pattern in your feelings.

Eventually you can determine what is triggering those bad feelings that cause you to react so angrily. I can guarantee that a lot of those triggers are from situations that you never worked through.

When you work on yourself more than pointing the finger at everyone else, you start to realize that you’re the asshole, not them. This was a huge moment for me in my sobriety journey. Lightbulb moment!! I WAS THAT ASSHOLE. I became someone I never wanted to be and I didn’t like myself.I cried. I cried and cried. It all came out. For nearly two hours I cried. I realized that I still had people who loved me despite everything that I put them through. They loved me regardless. They still believed I deserved to be happy. MAYBE THEY’RE RIGHT. Maybe I can learn to love myself and learn how to be happy. I didn’t want to pass on my negative, pessimistic traits to my children and have the cycle repeat. So the change began. I realized that I was the bitch. I was judgemental, pitiful, selfish and insecure. I masked it all thinking no one would know. But I was wrong. Many people can see right passed our bullshit. But you have to drop the act. Take off the mask. Most of our reactions have little to do with the situation and more to do with what the situation triggered inside us.

You deserve happiness.

♡

Mom Guilt – The Alcoholic Version – And how to turn it around

If I close my eyes I can still feel my twins this small. I can still see them play together. I can feel their little hands pat me on the back when they hug me.
Life moves too fast. We say and hear that all the time. But we dont really stop to realize what we are saying. Life moves TOO fast. It goes along in fast forward mode. You blink, and your kids are taller. You blink again and they’re growing facial hair and they’re taller than you.

Having another baby 12 yrs after my twins has brought up a lot of memories. It’s also brought up a lot of mom guilt.

Soon after I gave birth to the twins I drank. I believe the laughing gas during labor triggered the allergy and obsession because it made me feel stoned and I loved it. Ofcourse I didnt realize this then. Once the babies went to bed for the night I would have some drinks. For awhile it was social and it was considered normal. I functioned just fine! I still got up at night if the babies woke up, I got up in the morning and we went about our day.

However as time went on so did the progression of my alcoholism. A couple drinks turned into a few, turned into a bottle. Being tired in the morning turned into being hungover and grumpy as f*ck. You see, I was unhappy in my relationship and I also had post partum depression. I was 23 with twins and I had untreated mental health issues and alcoholism. Looking back, no wonder I drank. I had zero coping skills. I was impatient, snippy and sometimes I would cry and cry and cry. I felt like the worst mother in the world.

I won’t go into too much detail on the first 7 yrs of their lives, you can read past blog posts for those stories. But I was an active alcoholic for those first 7 yrs. My only true happiness came in a bottle. My priority was to drink. I always made sure we were home by a specific time so I could have enough time in the evening to crack open the wine. It sucks admitting that even today. But it’s the truth. The twins were always taken care of. I worked, paid my bills etc. To the outside world I had it together. But inside, I was dying and it was getting worse and worse and if I had kept going I would have lost my kids and everything I had including my family. Thank god I chose to get sober july 24th 2014.

What has having a baby 12 yrs later, and having been sober 5 yrs taught me?

I now enjoy the little things. The cuddles, even when I need to get chores done, and I wish he would nap on his own, I remind myself that he wont be little forever. In the mornings, I’m tired but I’m sober. I’m grateful to be sober tired than hung over tired. I’m patient with the baby, and I’m not in a rush for his bed time at night because of wine. I put him to bed to simply keep a routine for him. It’s all about the baby and I have no lingering thoughts in the back of my mind of wanting the day or evening to go by quick so I can drink. My baby won’t be a baby very long. The twins are nearly 13 yrs old, taller than me, shaving, and I’m pretty sure I can fit their jeans.

The mom guilt comes in when I realize how impatient and moody I was when the twins were babies compared to how patient and happy I am with their baby brother.

However I MUST remind myself that I was sick back then. I wasnt a bad mom, I was a mom who was unwell. I MUST remind myself that under the circumstances, I did a great job because the boys are extremely well behaved young men. I remind myself that we had plenty of fun days, laughs, cuddles and tickling. We made memories and all the smiles in the pictures are real. The most important thing that I MUST do is remind myself that I got sober and have been sober the last 5+ years of their lives.

I cannot sit in guilt too long or it will take me to dark places. I have to practice positive self talk.

♡I am sober.

♡I am a great mother to all 3 of my sons.

♡I am healthier now

♡I am happier now even on a bad day

♡My 3 sons are happy & healthy.

I saved the older boys a life of disappointment and heartache. They are happy and our bond is indescribable. I realize every day that it could’ve been different.

God made me a mother of twins during a very dark decade of my life. I came out of the darkness with them hand in hand. Now he blessed me with another son, during the healthiest time of my life. We aren’t given these gifts for no reason. I believe we give our children life but they give our life purpose.

My advice to first time parents:

♡Cherish the cuddles

♡Enjoy the early mornings and the fact that you have a smiling face staring at you who is so excited to see you. One day they’ll be grown and you wont have that smiling face staring at you in the morning anymore.

♡Remind yourself on tough days that those cranky days wont last.

♡Take time for yourself. It’s okay to get out of the house and be an adult. You’ll be a better parent for taking a little time for yourself.

♡Dont worry about them getting dirty or even eating dirt. Clothes get washed and dirt wont hurt them.

♡Dont put them to bed frustrated. Always end the day with kisses and “I love you’s”

♡Dont be in a rush for them to grow to the next phase. Trust me, every age comes with its challenges.

♡Slow down. Be grateful you get to experience life again through their eyes.

Other moms drink wine…….

Not every day is amazing. Sometimes you’re human and you want to say FUCK IT to the world and go hide. But you dont. You keep your big girl panties on and take it hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute.

Some moms eat cookie dough or ice cream when they’re sad, some people have a cigarette. Some moms have wine (I preferred white….red….rose…hell anything if I’m honest here)

The thing is, that “a” before the word “drink” is not possible for someone like me. “A” drink assumes that person has one drink. However, one drink for an alcoholic is way too many.

What does that mean? If I have one single sip that physical allergy is activated and so is my mental obsession. It happens that quick. One sip turns into the entire glass, and that glass turns into the bottle. Eventually, that bottle becomes empty and then the obsession turns into panic to find more.

Cycle repeats.

So on days that I want to hide, ofcourse that thought of a quick fix enters my mind. However at 5 years sober, it leaves as fast as it came.

I have a choice today. To drink or to stay sober. I’m the type of alcoholic that to drink means to die. So I choose to stay sober.

I have other ways I have learned to calm down and balance my emotions. They just dont work as fast as a drink would. But with more sobriety I have learned patience and to trust the process. I have faith today and I know just because I have a bad day, doesn’t mean that i have a bad life.

I write (hence what you’re reading!) I work (yes I actually enjoy what I do) I look at pictures of my family from happier days, I pray, I clean (gotta love the angry cleaning), I talk and vent to a trusted female friend, I talk to my sponsor, I go to a meeting and listen for a message and I share if I’m asked.

I have been through way more pain, stress and sadness before so I can get through a bad day sober. And someone, somewhere is going through something way worse, and they’re staying sober. So I can do it too.

Today, I have no reason to drink. After one sip I’ll feel regretful and therefore that would turn into a second sip to try and cover up that regret, but it actually turns into self pity which ends up being depression.

Cycle repeats.

You understand?

Its insanity. Literally.

If anything, I’m grateful to be where I’m at today. I never would have done all the work on myself if I wasnt an alcoholic. I mean, who the hell grows up wishing to be an alcoholic and end up sober while looking at their own defects of character and learning to change their behaviors? Yeah because that sounds like a blast. NOT!

But today I’m grateful because I am a better me, because of the storm that I went through.

 

 

Self love vs self sabotage

I have obsessed over my weight for my entire 35 yrs of life. However, I’ve never been overweight. But to part of my brain, I have. It’s like being stuck between what’s real and what’s not and it gets so tangled that you don’t even know what is real.

When I was 5 years old in kindergarten I remember feeling fat sitting in circle time. At 10, I remember having the flu and I felt skinny after not eating for a few days and it made me happy. I do not think that I look like my pictures. Part of me really thinks the camera shrinks me and that I’m actually bigger in person.

Twisted thinking to say the least? I know.

Today, I can actually look in the mirror and be happy with the image 4.5 months post partum after my 3rd son.

How!? Nothing has ever helped. Ive gone to outpatient treatment, counselling, support groups, nothing worked. Its been weighing on my mind whether or not I share this part of my journey with the world. I wanted to, but I wanted to wait until I could actually say that I consider myself in recovery. And I’m happy to say I am. I have not participated in any bad habits that come with eating disorders since before I found out I was pregnant. And my son is 4.5 months old as I type this. I have not gone this long since I was 18 yrs old.

I’m at the point now where I actually know that if I start again I wont be able to stop. It’s no different than alcohol to me. One sip and its all over. My eating disorder is the exact same. Why has it taken me 17 yrs to figure it out ?

All I did different this time was pray. I asked god to help me be kinder to myself. I asked for his help. For some reason that’s the one thing I never tried. I feel like a bit of a moron but why didnt I try and pray before? It works for my sobriety, I turn my will over to my higher power on a daily basis. So I’ve basically been using my tools I’ve learned to stay sober, and applied them to my eating disorder. LIGHT BULB!

So while I was pregnant this last time, i was paranoid about weight gain but I had to be healthy for the growing baby inside me. So I prayed. One day after another I prayed and ate healthy. (Ofcourse I have treats, but 90% healthy.)

I reminded myself that my growing body was temporary and that it was worth it. I changed every negative thought into a positive one. Something else I’ve learned in my sobriety journey.

Post partum, the extra weight has dropped easily. I not only kept my baby healthy but I kept myself healthy, in body and mind.

Something so simple like praying and applying tools that I already use to stay sober, to help my eating disorder? Why must I complicate the shit out of the simplest things?

Trust me I still have days that I am unhappy with the image i see. My body is not perfect and neither is my mind. I can still pick my body apart. Inch my inch and I’d start at my nose. But the longer I remain healthy, the longer my brain is fed! And today my brain is healthy and I’m able to switch my thinking to love instead of sabotage.

I think God wanted me to get sober first in order to deal with this issue.

It may have taken me 17 yrs but it’s ok to be a slow learner …. ♡

I’ll remember

The day will come in every parents lives where it hits you, like a ton of bricks, right into the chest.

Your child(ren) are not innocent anymore.

They have turned into young men or women who make mistakes as we do. Life has begun and they have began their journey with more independence. They dont need you as much anymore. You’re no longer their best friend and the one they want to hang out with. There are no cuddles anymore or nighttime stories.

This is where I’m at as a parent to my twin sons. They’re 12.5 and about to begin 7th grade. They’re taller than me, their voices sound like they’re 19, they have hairy legs and need to shave their moustache. They rather spend time with their friends and at their dads house. I swear last month they were playing Lego and asking to cuddle during movie night.

I guess I didn’t think about the time that goes by so quick. As i sit here and realize that my boys are only just beginning to be independent, it makes me so sad. Time goes by way too fast, and you dont realize how fast until you’re a parent to a teenager.

I drank until they were 7 years old. I functioned very well for many years. However the guilt settles in from time to time especially when I remember them as babies. My infant son looks at me like I am the greatest person on the planet. To him, I am. We all looked at our mothers that way. I feel that I did not enjoy the early years as much as I had wanted to or had expected to. I was 23 with twins, unhappy with my relationship, I had undiagnosed anxiety and depression, post partum depression and I was a functioning alcoholic.  So to say that I was overwhelmed is an understatement. The pictures from those days have real smiles. They were my entire world. I always had them outside for walks, playing at the park, watching their favorite movies and even playing music and dancing. But my mental health had me very impatient and overwhelmed at times. I wish I had stopped and smelled the dandelions when they used to pick them for me, a little longer. I wish I had let them play at the park a little longer instead of wanting to go home and open the wine. I wish I had known that it was okay to ask for help. I wish I had not been so strict when I could have been more lenient. I wish I wasn’t so crabby in the mornings because of my hangover. I could say I wish, a million more times but it wont turn back time.

Somehow the years, the days and hours go by and they’re young people. They’ll hurt your feelings. They’ll make you cry in your room and you’ll try to be as silent as you can. They’ll go somewhere overnight and not want to come home. They’ll be mad at you for saying no and setting boundaries. They will get caught in a lie, and try to cover that up.

All I can do is stay sober, and continue to be their parent first, a friend later. I’ll pray for them as I always do, and I’ll remind myself that they do love me. I’ll remind myself about the times they have spoken at my yearly cakes, and cried during their speeches. When I got married a year ago, they cried when I came down the aisle. When their baby brother was born 4 months ago they thanked me for the best thing that’s happened to our family. I’ll remember.

I’ll remember because it’s the good times that make everything worth while. Every family, every couple, every relationship goes through times of hurt, sadness and even anger. Remember why you love eachother, remember that you always will, and it will work out.

Remember that little moments matter the most. The dandelions they once picked turn into necklaces and charms at Christmas. Remember the rules they get mad at following have kept them safe. The manners you teach them have made them polite and respectful. You may not get cuddles but you’ll get a sweaty hug. The hand drawn pictures turn into text messages and emojis.

I’ll Remember.